Married Working Mothers

WHEN YOUR SON LOOKS LIKE A GIRL

This Friday, June 7th my son will celebrate his 3rd birthday...and he looks like a girl.

For the past year Deran and I have been back and forth about cutting his hair. His hair is long. I mean longer than his 6 year old sister's hair...long. Everywhere we go no matter if I have dressed him in all the "boy" attire and all the "boy" colours in the world, there is a 99.9% chance people will think he is a girl. I don't get upset mind you like I've heard some women do.

See....Here is my beautiful baby boy, Aindreas

An appointment has been made today to have his first haircut but Deran (and me, some of the time) is against cutting it. His feelings are there ought to be a purpose, a real reason for it. Hmmmm....I respond to that with..."maybe the purpose is for him to look like a boy!?"

But then we chatted about one of the points I touched on the other day in my post about Life. The point that society dictates what we should do from what we shouldn't do and that what we should do is cut his hair so he "fits" in with the other little boys. And then I am torn again.

So what to do?! This appointment is today! I would be telling a lie if I said I didn't want to see him look like a boy. Also, it would make my life a lot easier not having to do his hair in the mornings on top of my daughter's hair...lol. Yet, I am incredibly nervous about cutting it. Don't let Deran hear me say that...lol

I asked Aindreas last night, "are you ready to get your hair cut today?", he responded with a big horizontal shake of the head. That means no. He says he likes his long hair. Oh gosh. While he does not understand the complexity of cutting his hair his simple answer stopped me in my tracks. I know he doesn't understand but it made me think even harder. I'm sure many will disagree with my feelings and suggest that I cut his hair immediately but once again I ask...

Are we so stuck as a society that little boys can't have long hair? When I send him to big boy school I will be asked to cut his hair so that he can conform and look like everyone else. Yes, the obvious reason to cut his hair is so that he doesn't look like a girl to others. Yes, other kids will be rough on him, and a stigma placed on him would be much for him to bear. And you know what...that sucks. Truly sad.

What other reasons does society feel it necessary for boys to have short hair? Do we feel that this will create identity issues for him later on? Are we still of the belief that little boys with long hair is a precursor to him becoming gay? Or like we say it here "a little soft".

Really, why should I cut this boy's beautiful hair? What are your thoughts on a boy having long hair?

Signed,

A torn Candilaria

PARENTING: Helicopter Parenting

It is raining again today. Channing's school was closed yesterday but today it is open. Eric and I decided to keep Channing home today nonetheless. We decided that another day home from school would not impede her academic success. Another day home with her little brother would help her learn a different type of lesson. She is four years old and Chase is nineteen months. It's not too early to develop a love of playing with your sibling. Right? It's okay if she misses one day of counting, writing coloring and cutting? Do you agree?

In considering these questions I thought of an article that Eric recommended. It was about parenting; Helicopter Parenting to be exact. Helicopter Parenting according to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia is a parent who pays extremely close attention to a child's or children's experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. The term helicopter parent was originally coined by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.^[1] Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters they hover overhead.

courtesy of nammashaale.wordpress.com

I wonder if I hover? I confess I am very particular when it comes to their appearance, supplies that they need and their environment. I spend energy on whether Channing's bows match her ballet leotard and whether Chase's flip flops coordinate with the plaid in his shorts. This is connected to the pressure I place on myself due to some family baggage, I know this. This is about me not the kids and definitely not Eric.

In terms of education, I am an educator, so there are academic posters outside of Channing's bedroom. The hallway to her room has every piece of work she has completed this school year so that she can see what she has learned in an effort to review concepts without actually having to sit down and reteach her. I am the mother that has bought the Fisher Price Grade One Workbook in the grocery store so that during Channing's free time we can begin to introduce these skills. Can I add that Channing is entering K-4 in September not Grade One.

If you click on one of the articles below, you will read I may be a budding helicopter parent. However to my credit, I am also the mother who goes off into the distance to read my Kindle while Channing is at swimming lesson. I do not want her to see me to be distracted nor do I want the teacher to think I am watching her every move in order to criticize her teaching methods. In other words, I do not hover! At least not at the pool!

The first article is titled 'The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting' The link is below.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1940697-1,00.html

After reading this article. These quotes touched my heart.

Honoré concludes.

"With children," he argues, "they need that space not to be entertained or distracted. What boredom does is take away the noise ... and leave them with space to think deeply, invent their own game, create their own distraction. It's a useful trampoline for children to learn how to get by."

'The revolutionary leaders are careful about offering too much advice. Parents have gotten plenty of that, and one of the goals of this new movement is to give parents permission to disagree or at least follow different roads. "People feel there's somehow a secret formula for parenting, and if we just read enough books and spend enough money and drive ourselves hard enough, we'll find it, and all will be O.K.," Honoré observes. "Can you think of anything more sinister, since every child is so different, every family is different? Parents need to block out the sound and fury from the media and other parents, find that formula that fits your family best."

The second article is called 'Helping or Hovering'. The link is below.

http://vitals.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/24/18469581-helping-or-hovering-when-helicopter-parenting-backfires?lite=

After reading the articles as a mother, I am still unsure of my position on overparenting. I only want the best for our children. I will sacrifice all that I have and do whatever it takes to ensure I provide and prepare them to be able to achieve the best. This is what my mother did and still does for me. I am forty years old and I know that my mother is still sacrificing for me and now her grandchildren, only because of her inextinguishable spirit as a mother.

Thank you for the trillionith (not a word) time Mummy.

However, as an educator I get it, I witness it on a daily basis. The effects of overparenting is visible in the children when they are away from their parents. They are not thinkers, problem solvers, nor responsible children who know that life is made of choices and that every choice has a consequence. Unfortunately, many students are always waiting for in most cases mommy to come and figure it out and save the day as she always does.

courtesy of vegaslindalou.blogspot.com

As a teacher I implore you to step back and let your child think and devise solutions to their own problems but as a mother I am speechless. I am learning just as all of you.

Here is a story. There is a student in my class who excels academically. All of her peers before her have excelled. On Parent Conference Day students are not in school. The parents come in to speak to the teachers. On this particular day, my door opened and in walked this little girl. "Good morning Mrs. Hall I am wondering if I can finish some of my work while my mother is speaking to my classroom teacher?" she asked.

"Pardon me?" I was baffled. "You want to use the computer now?"

"Yes. I did not get a chance to finish during class. I asked my mom if I could come to school with her today so I could finish."

Of course I said yes.

Thirty minutes later, the mother walked in the lab to collect her child. I had to ask how she raised not only this child but also all of her other children. This was her response.

"I make my children responsible for everything concerning them. I found that when I used to do their homework with them after work thinking I was being a good parent, I actually wasn't. One day I was late coming home. I asked my daughter, did you do your homework? She said no. She did not do it because I was not at home. It was then I realized she was depending on me to always be there to tell her what to do. And so, I stepped back and let her take control of all of her responsibilities. If she forgot her homework at home, oh well, I did not drop it to school for her. If she forgot her swim cap, oh well. If she did not study for a spelling test and failed, oh well, she still received the punishment for bad grades. Eventually, she took initiative and became responsible."

courtesy of www.hipasiwannabe.com

She raised her children to make choices for their own lives.
She raised her children to be responsible, take initiative and be accountable.
She raised her children to know there is a consequence for every choice, good or bad.

Now she reaps the rewards as her children blossom.

Now that is parenting!

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

INSPIRATION:

MOTHERHOOD: Channing Sense

"Mummy, you should be in the kitchen," said Channing. "You're supposed to bake and cook things."

"Who told you that?" asked Mummy.

"My sense. My sense told me that!" said Channing in a matter of fact tone. If I could read her thoughts, she was thinking, shouldn't you know this already?

courtesy of www.rootsweb.ancestry.com

This was my daughter's conversation today at dinnertime. Do I agree with her? Sure. Is it a reality in our home? Not so much!

Let me explain.

Upon getting married the first time I was told that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Me being the eager wife, I embarked upon the challenge of cooking. I refer to it as a challenge because cooking is not my first love, my second, third, fourth, fifth nor sixth love; you get the picture. Nor did I grow up around women who cooked. I have no memories of my grandmother cooking. And as a result, my memories of my mother cooking are few and far between. I will say this though, she made the best grits ever! With that said, I am no chef but as a wife, I learned. That is what every good wife is supposed to do.

During my first marriage I lived in The United States. That means that I can cook. I can follow any recipe. What I do not know is how to cook certain Bahamian staples like Peas n' Rice and Okra Soup, however I can make any souse, potato salad and macaroni, probably because they are my favorites.

And so many moons ago, I cooked because it was the right thing to do. I hated every moment but I did it. Unfortunately, my first husband asked for a divorce....jokes! Clearly my cooking did not find its way to his heart as the marital advice suggested.

Let's fast forward to 2003. I met Eric, my current husband. Immediately, within the first two weeks, I informed Eric that I do not cook. My reason, I sacrificed and did something I hated in the first marriage and it did not keep that marriage together so why try it again. I was very honest. I was very authentic.

Eric was not impressed. He was raised by a stay at home mother who cooked and baked. He believed a woman should cook.

Oh well!

It wasn't me.

Eric has confessed that it took him two weeks to weigh the pros and cons of being with a woman like me. After careful consideration, he devised a compromise.

Eric loves to cook. Here is his compromise. He cooks and I clean up! Boom!

That is our agreement. That is what we do.

Until this little homegirl waltzed into the kitchen and told me exactly what she thought of our compromise.

This is how I feel about you not teaching me how to cook and bake!

Truth be told I have been having an inner battle with me not cooking for a while. I have been preaching about us failing our daughters by not being examples and here I am not being an example of cooking a meal for my family.

I want Channing to have some memory of she and I in the kitchen doing something besides me washing dishes. I will not reinvent myself, but I have to make this sacrifice for this little girl who by the way is now asking to help out in the kitchen.

And so ladies and gentlemen, I agree with Shauna Niequist, author of Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way. “It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard," she said, "is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

I really care about being an example to our children. Is it going to be hard giving up my exemption to cooking? Yes! But I will take on the challenge.

Don't get it twisted though, I am only cooking one day out of the week...Saturday!

Oh what shall I cook next week?

Until I cook again, correction, until I cook,

Tiffany

WHERE DID THAT STORM COME FROM?!

Yesterday afternoon was the start of a storm, I didn't see coming. I guess I don't keep up-to-date on the weather but, wowsie. I haven't seen rain like that in a very long time! I mean it was a down pourin', non-stoppin', can't see out of the car windshield, pull over on the side of the road (cuz yes I was driving through it - crazy me I know!), car about to lift off the road, intense lightenin', thunder crackin' storm!

If you had any leaks in your house that you didn't know about, chile please, you sure found out last night! I'm not making any joke of the storm last night but am trying to create a light-hearted mood. I know people's homes were flooded, some reported up to 2 feet! Cars were completely submerged and the owners had to climb out and abandon them. These kinds of storms can easily get out of hand and create extreme damage. Let's be thankful that we still have our homes, and yea, there may be some water inside, but it's something that can be repaired. There was no loss of life to my knowledge and we should be happy with that. :)

I left my house at 6:20am this morning and for a commute that should only take 8 minutes with absolutely no traffic, it took me 30 minutes. I maneuvered my little car all over to avoid the flooded areas. People could not get to their cars that were parked right in front of their homes.

Here are a few pictures of what people had to deal with last night and this morning...