Books of Life!

my journals

Raise your hand if you had a diary when you were a teenager? Remember the diaries with keys and combination locks? Sigh... the secrets I shared with my friend Diary.

As an adult my friendship is still alive but with Diary's cousin Journal. I am a journal junkie.

I wonder why? Hmmm...

Well it has to do something with the fact I can be quite the loner through no fault of my own. I don't have any sisters. I grew up with an entourage of boys. The only women in my family are my grandmother, mother and aunts and one distant female cousin, but once again through no fault of my own was too far away with miles of factors hindering our relationship. This means I clocked many hours in my bedroom alone with my own little girl thoughts.

What does a girl do? Thank goodness my mother had the wisdom to gift me with a diary. As a teenager I giggled with Diary. I cried with Diary. I grew up with Diary.

At 43 years of age I am all grown up allegedly. Diary is gone but Journal is my new friend. I have pretty girlie girl journals fashioned with shiny and ambient colours and beautiful graphics. (I know some of you recognize that gratitude journal!)

While on the other hand I also have journals which are raw and basic. What you see is what you get journals as shown below. These 'salt and pepper' journals have been my friends for the last few years. No lock, no key! Enter at your own risk...

                   

What do I write about you may be wondering? Ha! What don't I write about? My journals are my thoughts, feelings, questions, issues, celebrations, memories and joys.

My journal reveals me! Just like a best friend who knows everything about you, my journals know everything about Tiffany.

I celebrate me in my journal. I celebrate my girlfriends by saving tidbits about them. I celebrate my daughter as she writes me notes. My journal is the ultimate safe for cards, photos, wrappers, ticket stubs. I can document my entire relationship with my husband with the contents in these journals. If it is meaningful I keep it.



A note from my daughter Channing, a photo from a friend's housewarming!

This airline ticket from 2002 was monumental! Why do I have the wrapper from the last Deprovera Birth Control Shot? ( Did anyone else get fat from this?) Kaylus do you recognize anything in this photo?

My Wisconsin Driver's License. Why do I still have this? Got to have Milwaukee Memories in the house!

Truth be told my journals also get me through the rough times. On New Year's Eve night my husband stopped abruptly at our bedroom door. He froze. I was sitting on my bed with my journal after a year and a half hiatus. His face was sullen, oh no, Tiffany has her journal! Eric knows when he has seen this in the past it has always been a clear indication I was processing something.

Below are my somber somewhat thought provoking journal entries. One time ago before children when I had endless time and energy I recycled my magazines. A great journaling session was a pair of scissors, a magazine, a gluestick, my journal and a glass of wine. It was therapeutic to browse through a magazine until I came across an image which touched my soul. I'd adhere them to my blank pages and write my thoughts. Catharsis!



As you can see I have lots of words within me. Lots, lots and lots!!!!

I guess these days many people express their thoughts on Social Media. Me, not so much.



'Men have feelings about there (oops I spelled their incorrectly) marriage.' YUP! I wrote this after my first marriage.

Sigh... My first husband appeared to be emotionless but I later learned not so much. He had them all bottled inside.

He should have had a journal!



             

Look closely at this last image. Not sure why I have these flowers but that is a piece of aluminum foil glued into my journal. Look even closer. Inside are ashes from a burnt piece of paper.

Damn!

I can recall sitting in my guest bedroom feeling heavy. I had an intense writing session then tore out the paper and burnt my words. Watching the paper crumble did wonders that day. Tell Elsa from the Disney movie Frozen this is how you truly 'Let It Go'!

Well folks, this was my last journal entry for 2015. A dear friend (wink wink maid of honor) gave me this card. The words are so fitting. 'She laughed and said to her dear friend...'

I have been on a hiatus from my dear friend Journal. In 2016 I am reuniting with my friend. At 43 years of age, I don't write Dear Diary as I did when I was a teenager. My journal entries are my prayers to yet another dear friend.

Dear Lord...

Bless Candi's heart, she has heard the brunt of my thoughts from 2015, well 2016 too. Before she labels me melodramatic, negative, miserable and an overall sad bitch, it is time for me to upload to my Lord. He can handle it! (Psst. Candi loves me too much to call me any of those names!)

Do you keep a journal or a scrapbook? Cool beans. I encourage all of you to foster your habits which aid to the healing of your soul.

Channing's godmother bought my daughter Channing her very first journal (thank you Goddie Antja). As I return to my friend this year my goal is to encourage Channing to develop her friendship with her journal. It just may be her bff too!

I will give Channing my journals one day. I pray she reads them. There will be no better way for her to get to know her mother, Tiffany the woman, than for her to read my words written in my bff!

Until I blog again,

Tiffany











It's Okay

1.
It's okay if it is 8:59 in the morning and you can kill some oysters for breakfast, well lunch and dinner too!

2.
It's okay to let go... 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 RELEASE!!!!

(I love this pic of me. It encapsulates how I feel about being in my 40's!))

3.

It's okay if you hate housework. Just because we have breasts doesn't mean we like to wash bras. It means we want to buy new ones instead!

(Below is a conversation between Candi and I. Her laundry is on the left and mine on the right. Sigh!)

 4.
It's okay if you want to live in a fabulous villa instead of your house.
(TBA: MWM Steak Out/ Fun Run and Bake Sale in aid of our condos at The Pointe)

 5.
It's okay to be a conservationist! Protecting the natural resource one sip at a time.

6.
It's okay to give your locks a deep treatment and go out for a bowl of conch salad. No one has to know there is a plastic bag under your scarf.

 7.
It's okay to unwind at the end of the day like a man. Take your lashes off first though. (Helpful hint: Secure your lashes in their original container. Do not rest on your vanity unprotected. I have already lost two pairs. They literally vanished into thin air!)

8.
It's okay to allow your girlfriend to push you towards new goals. Who cares if you were at a wedding the night before you had to run a 10K for the first time ever!



 9.
It's okay if you and your heels drive into work on Friday. They are just as excited for a great night out on the town!

10.

It's okay to be sad and channel Nina Simone while feeling your emotions, to give them life and escape your body so you can move on!

 





Until I blog again,
Tiffany

Achy shoulders!



This must be the reason why my shoulders are hurting every morning I wake up. Maybe I am entering Mid-Life or do I need a new mattress?

Let's go with the mattress...

No seriously, what if the universe is waiting for us?

What if God is looking at us right now like..."Ain't long now girlies!" (wink wink)!

We on the other hand are complaining about our shoulders hurting, spending money on massages, visits to the chiropractor, ointments, changes in our diet, the list can go on. We may be clueless to the true source of our aches.



That's it isn't it!

We think we have time!

What a load of crap! 

Been to a funeral lately? I have! Apparently we will die!

This post is short and sweet...."Use the gifts you were given!"

If your gift is writing then write!
If your gift is talking then talk!
If your gift is listening then listen!
If your gift is drawing, painting, carving then go do that!
If your gift is planning then plan!
If your gift is singing then sing!

Just use them! Steal a moment to tap into your talentsssssssssssssssssssss!

courtesy of http://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/sarah-tucker-styles-1750716?post=2608132043&blog=1750716&frame_type=b&viewer=true

I love it..."I want everyday to make God belly laugh, glad he gave life to someone who loves the gift."

Now go make God belly laugh!

Until I blog again,

Tiffany

Confessions....I Wish!

Add caption www.greenleft.org.au

This is a photograph of Nina Simone, an American singer, songwriter, pianist, arranger, and civil rights activist who worked in a broad range of musical styles including classical, jazz, blues, folk, R&B, gospel, and pop.

Look at the expression on her face.

Her downcast eyes, the tilt of her head propped up by her resilient fingers, and her paltry lips  show a woman in contemplative thought.

I know weight.

I know contemplation.
I know this expression.

One of my favourite songs by Nina Simone is titled 'I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free'. The first and second verses express a desire to be free from 'all the chains holding me' and to 'remove all the bars that keep us apart'. The third verse, my favorite, longs to 'live like I'm longin to live'... The last verse describes a wish to 'soar, to the sun and look down at the sea'!

Read the lyrics below. Read them slowly...

"I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free"

I wish I knew how
It would feel to be free,
I wish I could break
All the chains holding me.
I wish I could say
All the things that I should say,
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear.

I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart,
Remove all the bars
That keep us apart.
I wish you could know
What it means to be me,
Then you'd see and agree
That every man should be free.

I wish I could give
All I'm longin' to give,
I wish I could live
Like I'm longin' to live.
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do,
Though I'm way overdue
I'd be starting anew.

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky,
How sweet it would be
If I found out I could fly.
I'd soar to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing 'cause I know.

Yea I sing cause I know

Though I'm way overdue

I'd be starting anew.

At 42 years of age, I have been married for seven years, I am the mother of two children and have been employed in the same career for twenty years; confining chains, buried desires and dreaming of another life I want to live are all too familiar. 

During my separation in my first marriage, my ex-husband confessed how many strides he'd made in his career now that he no longer had to be concerned with a wife. His words were hurtful back then, those words are meaningful today.

In 2002 my ex-husband was free to pursue the life he wanted. He was free to work long hours, free to travel at will, free to eat or drink without having to regard a wife nor children. He did not enter a house in anticipation of his wife's mood, he did not leave a 'fun' event because it was getting close to the wee hours of the morning. He lived! He was free!

I get it!

His appreciation for freedom wasn't about getting away from me but it was discovering more of him. He had goals for his life. On his morning drive to work he saw a better him unfortunately, at that time I was not as ambitious. I was settled. Imagine being married to lil ole twenty-five year old me who was happy with two boiled eggs for breakfast wheras he wanted eggs served with crispy prosciutto along with a jumbo lump crab hash! 

To eat a fancy breakfast requires work, work outside of the home, work away from his wife. After working so hard to achieve a fancy breakfast he wanted to play in order to establish balance in his life. Me, I wanted to stay home and eat boiled eggs. I wasn't in pursuit of a dream, so I didn't work as hard and so I did not need to play as hard!

My marriage ended!

Let Nina Simone tell it, Nate wanted to soar to the sun and look down at the sea. No wife needed....

At 42, my taste buds love boiled eggs (I always will) but my palate is ready for prosciutto! What is wrong with me? I love my husband, I do (my eyes tear up as I type). It was only a few years ago I cried because I wanted to be married so badly. Being with Eric was my end all be all, he was my boiled egg yet now the routine of marriage feels like a chain around one of my ankles. I love Eric but how do I love and soar while maintaining the responsibilities and expectations of marriage? How do iron, clean, fold clothes and pursue a dream?

I love my children. The joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test twice was priceless. Two memories I can relive at the drop of a hat. The day they were born healthy sigh...no words. We did it. God has blessed us with a family yet the responsibility and mundane schedules of parenthood  is a chain around my waist. I love my children but how does Tiffany find out if she can fly while doing school pick up?

I am employed but my career is a tightening chain gripping my neck. For as long as I have known myself I wanted to be a teacher. My students know I care. I am that cool teacher, mentor, friend...the one who you can talk to about anything. Yet my classroom has become a safe prison cell. How can I remove the bars and eave this job with bills to pay in pursuit of Tiffany's purpose?

And so I sing Nina Simone's song from the depth of my soul. It encapsulates my emotions succinctly.

Can I just be free?

But hey wait a minute is this an accurate question?

I love my husband. I have no intention of leaving my marriage. I fought to be married, again.

But wait, I love my children. I can't imagine my life without them. I want to parent my children. I don't take that responsibility lightly.

Sooooooo is freedom from my family what I'm seeking? Do I want to run away? (Don't ask me this question between the hours of 7-9pm)

But seriously...no. I don't want to leave. I have no intention of leaving. I am not seeking freedom from individuals. What am I seeking? Hmmm! 

I want freedom to be me, not wife, not mother, not teacher but Tiffany! 

Dónde estás Tiffany?
Où êtes-vous Tiffany?
Wo sind Sie Tiffany?
Where are you Tiffany?

Here I am!
I am alive!
I am me!
Look at this woman, the world needs more of her! Unknowingly, the world orbits patiently for her release....

BUT HOW? How can I be her as well as a mother, wife and teacher?

I have no *&^%^& clue!!!!!

Where are the women from the older generation? I can't be the first woman to experience such emotions. If only I could talk to Nina Simone? What was her inspiration for this song? Did she write these lyrics? If so did how did she navigate life? Are there regrets, lessons learned if she could live life all over again?

Where are the older women in our community? What did they do? Smt!!! Would an older woman talk about a subject like this? Did they allow themselves to be this vulnerable? Did they acknowledge a desire to be more than a mother, more than a wife? I wonder!

They'd probably read my confessions and say stop whining? Get over it? You have life good! Hell someone reading this my own age is thinking, please Tiffany, no one is interested in your pity party! 

That's part of my problem. Who do I talk to about the stages of my life? Who is willing to admit yes, I had or I'm having many days where my husband and children are not my dream? Who can take off the make-up, the designer bag and shoes and whisper, "I am growing right in front of my eyes at a frightening speed?"

Who will sing this verse along with me?

Verse Three

I wish I could give
All I'm longin' to give,
I wish I could live
Like I'm longin' to live.
I wish I could do
All the things that I can do,
Though I'm way overdue
I'd be starting anew.

Anyone?

courtesy of ink361.com

Here is another image of Nina. She appears to be getting dressed to embark upon her day, an event, a performance who knows but I see a woman mustering fortitude. Because why? A girl gotta do what a girl gotta do?

And so I am not leaving my husband to abandon my marriage as my first husband abandoned me. I will not abandon my children for their father to raise them alone. I will continue to love all three of them in every way I can. But I guarantee I will love Tiffany too. 

Verse Four

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky,
How sweet it would be
If I found out I could fly.
I'd soar to the sun
And look down at the sea
And I sing 'cause I know.

Yea I sing cause I know

Though I'm way overdue

I'd be starting anew.

I truly believe I can fly! I will soar at least for one afternoon before I die! 

This will be my legacy for my daughter to remember. One day when she is older whether she decides to be married and have children and she is wiping the tears from her eyes because she is tired and frustrated or if she is a single woman leaving the office after a long day at work she will always strive to pursue her goals and dreams because I want her to remember me, to use these words to describe me. "My mother was a great mother to me yet she found a way to be an extraordinary woman!

"dont't die with your song still inside of you."

courtesy of ashleyladouceur.tumblr.com

Click on the link below to view one of her performances of the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sEP0-8VAow

Keeping myself together until I blog again,

Tiffany

Part Two - Do It!

Congratulations!

The October 2015 'Me Time' Giveaway is awarded to 

Keiani Worrell!

Psst...It really is that easy! 

This month's prize was a bottle of Villa Wolf, our favourite Riesling from our most favourite place 

Ristorante Luciano's of Chicago.

http://www.lucianosnassau.com/

November 2015 

'Me Time' Giveaway Prize

Manicure and Pedicure

courtesy of www.elementssalononline.com

MWM's 'Me Time Giveaway' Rules

Take a pic depicting how you enjoy 'Me Time'. 
Email the pic to us at marriedworkingmothers@gmail.com or Direct Message us on Instagram (@marriedworkingmothers) 

Easy!

1. Submit only one photo per month

2. Deadline for submissions are the first Monday of each month

3. Monthly winners are not eligible for further submissions

4. Keep it Rated PG Ladies!!!!!

Congratulations Keiani!

Until we blog again.
Candi and Tiffany