Dear MWM...

Below is a letter sent from an anonymous reader to our email account marriedworkingmothers@gmail.com. This is the first time Candi and I have received an email of this nature. 

Dear Candi and Tiffany,

I love your blog. Both of you are willing to be honest as you share your experience as wives, women and mothers.

I would like your advice. I am not attracted to my husband any longer. I have been married for fourteen years with three children. My husband is seven years older and always ready to have sex with me. I enjoy sex unfortunately I am never in the mood to have sex with my husband. I no longer find him attractive. Our life is great, my husband wants me but I don't want him.

What do I do?

Signed,

Anonymous   

 

courtesy of allanapratt.com

I decided to post my response in the blog based on the reality that many more of our readers may be having the exact experience.

Dear Anonymous, 

Wow! Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. Both Candi and I are humbled by your request for our advice.

Go to your internet browser. Type 'not attracted to my husband'. Press 'enter'! There are countless articles tackling this issue.

You are not alone!

courtesy of www.thegloss.com

Despite what women may say to their husbands, women do have sex drives. Our loins tingle and want to be satisfied as well. For some wives, their husband are the focus of their desires, for others not so much.

This topic is a difficult one to discuss as many women are unwilling to disclose such information. How does anyone say to their girlfriend 'my husband doesn't arouse me' when their girlfriend's Facebook page is inundated with perfect photos of her and her husband? How does the girlfriend who posts all the 'perfect pictures' reveal to her girlfriend, 'I post pictures but I have no desire for my husband to make me cum'?

Hence your anonymous request for advice. Well as you mentioned at MWM's, we are willing to share our opinions on taboo topics!

In an effort  to 'Seek First To Understand Then To Be Understood' the following are what I read in your email to be true.

1. You love your husband.

2. You have created a good family life with your husband.

3. You are not interested in having sex with your husband because you no 

    longer find him attractive.
4. You want to have sex.

If all of these statements are true before I offer my humble opinion I have a few questions.

Question One: 

Were you attracted to your husband before you were married? Truly attracted or did you make a calculated decision to marry?

If you did make a smart decision to marry, then it only makes sense why your husband is not attractive any longer. He never was attractive!

Question Two:

If your husband was attractive to you but over the years you are no longer in the mood, then ask yourself, what happened?

I have been married for eight years. I am 43 years old, my husband is 40. We have two children. We have known each other for 13 years. The intensity of my sex drive is directly linked to my sense of security and satisfaction.

If my husband built a successful business venture making our financial future secure, so secure I could pursue my dreams, raise our children and enjoy life of course I would desire more sex. As life stands, I am a MWM with worries. Those worries can consume my thoughts on many evenings and I have no interest in his 'good good'!

Sometimes life can get in the way! Men do not understand their ability to take care of sh$#t is directly linked to our interest in sex.

Question 3:

Are you not attracted to your husband physically?

1. Has he gained weight?

2. Has he developed new bad habits, drinking or smoking?

3. Has be become unrecognizable due to depression?

courtesy of www.pinterest.com

Question 4:

Are you bored?

Yes bored! Marriage can be boring. Same bed, same position, same man!

#bored

@yawnwithmylife...is that your handle?

Maybe you aren't attracted to your husband because he's become boring. Did you stop having fun together? Did your bedroom become boring?

Anonymous, you asked for our advice on what to do. I wish I knew your answers to my questions. I don't so here goes. What should you do?

Let me start by stating I believe there are stages in a marriage. There are stages in a marriage because humans go through different stages of development. People change therefore marriages change. We cannot expect to be as fascinated or passionate with an individual after years and years of 'looking up into one another's face'. 

courtesy of www.therelationshipspecialist.com

It is highly likely you are in Stage Two or Three. You may realize the man you've married and are rebelling against the choice you have made. Just a thought....

courtesy of www.slideshare.net

These stages of marriage are informative but they do not explain your dilemma. You want to have sex but not with your husband. Moreover, you have a husband who still always wants to have sex with you. What should you do?

Well,

• If you have never been attracted to your husband but yet you still married him because it was the smart thing to do unfortunately, I doubt you will ever be attracted to him. Carry on your life smartly!

• If you are not attracted to your husband because life is heavy and you are carrying the weight of your family on your back, discuss your frustration with your husband. BE BLUNT! 'These ________ (Fill in the blank) are killing me. I can't figure everything out. I need you to take care of some of this sh%&t! He may surprise you and step up by offering solutions. One thing is true, he can't offer a solution if he is unaware of a problem. Hopefully, once aware of the weight on your shoulders he will assist by being your knight in shining armour. Every woman wants to make love to their one and only knight!

• If you are not physically attracted to your husband, yikes ... this is a sensitive situation. It is time for a "Come to Jesus" conversation. A conversation which may begin with the words, 'Honey, I love you, I'm not going anywhere but your ___________ (Fill in the blank) is affecting my desire to have sex. Sigh.... this is difficult! Big sigh!

• If you're not attracted to your husband because you are bored, well, get a life! Maybe you're bored with yourself not bored with him. The only person you can change is you. #stopbeingboring #makeyourbedexcitingforyou 

Now if you make your dilemma known to your husband but he does not care because he is ratchet and has a side piece, a woman's pursuit for equality only mandates you have the ability to be ratchet and get a side piece too! I'm just saying!!!!

Sigh...

Here is one thing I believe to be true. Every woman deserves to have hot passionate body sweating sex with a man who makes her weak in the knees with just the sight of him!

Don't accept a dead sex life. Candi has implored all of us to get in touch with our vaginas. If your vagina could talk she'd say, "Hurry up and solve this problem. I want to cum!"

Your husband sounds like a great guy. You sound like a great gal. It is amazing how two great people have the potential to traverse the ups and downs of marriage.

I hope my words have helped. Before you do anything, pray, quiet your soul and listen for direction. You will discover what to do. I believe you will!

Once again, thank you for the email. 

Until I offer my humble opinion again,

Tiffany