Dear Woman on the Front Page of the Newspaper

Dear Woman on the Front Page of the Newspaper Jumping for Joy, 


I promised I wouldn't say anything else about the Referendum held on Tuesday. Welp! I couldn't think of what else I would write on our MARRIED WORKING MOTHERS blog. 

The Bahamian people voted loud and clear...

Courtesy of Caribbean360.com

While, I wasn't surprised by the outcome mainly because of the loud and incessant fear ripping through the island like a damn Tsunami, I was however, profoundly disappointed. That disappointment turned into anger yesterday when I laid my eyes on the woman on the front page of the newspaper. 

There you were, a woman. A WOMAN! With her hands in the air rejoicing. (I don't mean to pick on this particular woman as I do not know her but unfortunately, she is who the newspaper chose to place on their cover.)

You can't be fucking serious.

What exactly are you rejoicing for? What victory do you think you've just won? 

Let's see...Is it because...

1. Your Pastor is the real MVP?

2. You don't trust the existing Government and you stuck it to them good?!

3. "Da foriegners ain coming to take over no more?!"

4. You wanted to spite the Government for 2002's Referendum AND the Gaming Referendum?

5. We ain ga be like them other hedonistic countries like the big bad US of A?!

6. Ain no Sissy marriage 'round here?!"

7. "Dey call me dumb and stupid, so I ga show dem?"

or

8. Maybe you really believe women ought to be less equal than men. Maybe?

Some NO voters had excuses coming from every angle and some others felt they didn't need to give a reason.

Well, I voted YES, to every single bill. My reason was simple. 

Women and men ought to enjoy the same rights. Done. Basic Human Rights 101.

How was I able to come up with that you ask? I isolated these bills for what they were. 

I handled this referendum for what it was and it was NOT A GENERAL FUCKING ELECTION!

The pettiness and spitefulness that spread across our islands were vile and disgusting. Do I trust or care for this current administration? Hell No. Do I think we are a sinking ship because of the lack of leadership? Hell Yeah. Is there accountability and transparency? Hell fucking No. Are these politicians doing pure shit? Ya damn right!

But. What. Does. That. Have. To. Do. With. My. Rights. As. A. Woman. Or. Man?! 

Not a gad damn thing!

So, ok, you don't understand Bill No. 4. I understand that you don't understand. Hopefully, you sought information and advice on the particular bill and if you still decided you were unsure about it then by all means vote No. 

But what happened to Bills 1, 2, and 3???? Yes, I deserve a reason for your NO Vote because it affects me and my family. 

Courtesy of uncyclopedia.wikia.com

Why are we so petrified of change? Change isn't a bad thing. Change is inevitable. Change WILL happen whether you are ready for it or not.


I am angry today. Democracy DID NOT win. Fear, Ignorance, & Politics won on Tuesday.


I am not a proud Bahamian. There is NOTHING to be proud of and it makes me sad.

We have to change the direction this country is going in. Fast. To do that now, we MUST focus our attention on our children. We need to inject more of our love, time, and resources into them. Really TEACH & GUIDE them! EDUCATION is where it's at. 

We must raise stable, loving, and critical thinking children to save our Bahamaland. They are the real investment.

That's all we can hope for at this point.


Signed, 
#INeedToFindHopeAgain
Candilaria

Sexless Marriages

I felt compelled to continue Tuesday's post and take it a bit further and discuss a very common trait within marriages....

A sexless marriage.

What is a sexless marriage? It is a marriage in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses.

Sexless marriages occur waaaaaay more than you think. So, our anonymous "Dear MWM" is amongst the many. 

DID YOU KNOW, according to Huff Post, google searches for "sexless marriage" are three and a half times more common than "unhappy marriage" and eight times more common than "loveless marriage"??

That says A LOT! 

It can be an incredibly painful and somewhat embarrassing topic for some. One that very few discuss merely because 1. They are under the impression that this issue only exists within their marriage and no one else's, 2. Fear of embarrassing their partner, and of course 3. The "it isn't anyone's business" comment. Keeping silent does more harm than good as it doesn't help anyone else who might be going through the same thing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It doesn't take being with your partner for 15-20 years to realize or feel that shit goes south in that department quickly. Believe it or not, sex is one of the first things to disappear in a marriage. And I'm not talking about that hot, sweaty, passionate, 3 and 4 rounds type of sex. That was probably gone from before you got married LOL (because that passion fades), but I digress. I'm talking about the regular 12-minute (sometimes that's 8 minutes too long) that includes foreplay that kinda sustains your marriage type of sex. Yes, even sex of that nature ceases. 

Sexless marriages can occur for a host of reasons. Those reasons being, having and the pressure of having kids, tired, over worked, no attraction, no passion, not sufficient mental engagement, low to no sex drive, communication issues, hurt from past situations, tired of being the initiator, or just plain 'ole tired of grindin' (a very Bahamian term) the same man/woman. The list is long and new reasons are constantly being added to it.

It is important to point out that just like everything else, our sex drive waxes and wanes, OFTEN. The realization that "sex and sexual expression changes along with the longevity of a marriage" is significant says psychotherapist Tina Tessina. The acceptance of this realization assists with difficult times.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: If a couple has sex say once a month or less and are mutually fine with that, they shouldn't consider themselves in a sexless marriage. So please, for those of you out there that think just because your other married friends whom are having sex 3-4 times a week is something you should be doing too, STOP! Most times that's a lie. Even if they are, it's purely obligatory. You really have no idea how much sex the couple next door is having so don't compare yourself. People talk a good talk.

"Sexless marriages have less to with physical appearance (or decreased attraction) and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the marriage."

But what is the solution???


Your guess is as good as mine! Tiffany offered some ideas in her post. My suggestion would be to have open, honest and very real communication. That's all I've got. Something we all struggle with I imagine. Not all of us are ready to hear certain things or say certain things for that matter. However, give your partner the opportunity to be an active part of the solution. After all, this is supposed to be someone who has been with you through thick and thin.

It's not that you no longer love your partner, let's make that clear. Nevertheless, there are usually indicators of something ain't right for the unsatisfied spouse and the spouse that doesn't want to have sex. It's about communicating what's going on.

If you are the one that doesn't want to have sex you probably should search internally and ask yourself what's going on. Ask yourself questions. Could it be a physical or physiological condition? Or could it be past situations in your marriage that you simply cannot resolve? Is it just companionship I want and fulfill my sexual desire elsewhere? If you are the spouse left unsatisfied, do your best to calmly and effectively communicate your concerns. Don't blame. It's difficult but being pushy and/or constantly upset about the matter works against you. Maybe, all you need is a little hand job or cunnilingus to get you by. Is that something your partner is willing to compromise on while you both are figuring it all out?

I don't believe there is a time frame or limit on rectifying this kind of thing, and I also don't believe that it's something that should NOT be actively worked on. Whether it's baby steps, like talking through it first or trying to bring the spark back by going to a movie for a date night, or major steps like, scheduling actual time for sex because you're too busy/tired otherwise, therapy sessions, investigating an open relationship or even swinging (that's a whole other post!). Figure out what you both want. 

Unfortunately, sometimes it's this single yet insurmountable issue that may be the catalyst to a harsh reality that none of it will work and the end of the road for your relationship. And you know what, it's no one's fault. 

Or maybe just maybe, we are all fooling ourselves into thinking we can maintain a certain level of sexual intimacy we are expected to for a lifetime. 

What if we reconsidered these thoughts and adjusted our perspective on marriage to reflect more realistic "expectations" or no expectations at all?


Signed, 

#MarriageAintEasy, #MarriageIsWeird, #MarriageIsTooLong, #PeopleLiveTooLong, #ForeverEverEverEverEver?

Candilaria

What really happened when I left my job

I resigned from my job last year May.  Mainly because I wanted more. Not more as in a higher position and more money, but more out of my life. 

picture courtesy of thefertilechickonline.com 

I had a decent job. Well paid. Flexible. And most days were pretty "even steven" (in other words, stable and consistent). I was comfortable.

I needed a change. I wanted to create a life and business I loved. 

I just happen to be home while doing it.

The feelings I had leaving my job then were many different things. But little did I know, the feelings I would have months and months after, realizing what leaving entailed, and how much the thoughts and comments of others would affect me. All of which weighed heavy on me.

Not everyone is going to support you. Not everyone is going to have something nice to say. Not everyone will understand your actions. People will talk about you. People will try to talk you out of it.

Why?

Could it be the lack of understanding? And generally from a cultural standpoint, this is not something we do. 

"Say, what?! Quit ya good paying job to go 'fluff' 'bout?! You musse crazy, eh!" 

Or could it be the fact that some would simply love to do what I am crazy enough to do? Just maybe.

I've been pigeon holed into categories such as, "Stay at Home Mom", "Woman of Leisure", "Homemaker", "House Manager", etc., the list goes on. I would be lying if I didn't say those words bothered me. Not because those roles aren't valuable but because it's just not everything I am trying to accomplish. I do spend more time at home. I do spend more time with the kids. I do have a bit more time for other activities. But I am also not limited to those roles either. I felt the need to constantly defend my choices until I caught myself. To who? And for what?!

I guess people have a natural tendency to categorize others when we have a hard time understanding (because everyone needs a label, right?!) someone's actions that don't make sense to us. Someone who has decided to pursue something outside of the 9am - 5pm. Even more so when that someone doesn't yet know what direction they are heading in and just for a time, they just want to be.

And I've never felt more alone.

I'm not here to pit a debate between one or the other. The old time debate between one who works a 9pm-5pm versus one who doesn't (Whether she/he is building something on her/his own or stays at home). 

For me, it's more of discontinuing the habit to label something we do not understand. Once you begin to label, you start down the slippery slope of judging. Judging then leads to unwarranted comments and that helps no one. Unfortunately, we are all guilty of it. We are entitled to our own opinions and perspectives, but we are not entitled to project them onto someone else.

Funny thing is, it's not like I've never worked a day in my life! But for whatever reason, the minute I left it was as if I could no longer relate to those that were working on someone else's time!

I'm not doing anything extraordinary or something that hasn't been done before. But I may be a bit more courageous than most by standing out on this lonely limb. 

So, my advice for those that are thinking about leaving their jobs or will be leaving their jobs soon is this...

1. It's okay to not know what exactly you are pursuing. For some, there is an immediate plan. For others, space and an undecided amount time is needed for them to figure it out. 

2. Try not to be affected by what others think you are doing or NOT doing. There is no need to explain anything. It is not for them to understand. 

3. Use this time to get back in touch with yourself. Re-discover yourself!

4. Those things you liked doing as a child all the time. Do them. Do them often. You have no clue what ideas can come out of them. 

5. Beware. You will have many lows. You will second guess yourself. Have mini depressions and breakdowns. It's all a part of the journey.

6. There will be many times when you want to say "fuck it, I need a job". Don't give in to that voice. 

**Unless, you discover that working for yourself isn't the path for you and you prefer something more stable and look for a job. That's okay too! It's not a failure.** 

7. Your children (and spouse) will think you are there to cater to their every need because "mummy doesn't have a job for real".

8. Set boundaries for your time. No one will value it if you don't. As far as they are concerned you are always accessible and can do whatever they need you to do at a drop of a hat.

9. Decide immediately that you will enjoy the journey no matter what happens. Good and the bad. Very important.

10. Keep working at it. The more you do, the more confident in your choice you become!

You've made the best decision for you which hopefully will not only benefit you, but your family as well. You should never have to apologize for or explain the decisions you make for yourself and family.  

Signed, 
#IDoItMyWay, Candilaria 

#JudgeLess 

#JudgeYaMa (LOL, I couldn't resist. Int'l peeps, it's a very Bahamian expression)

The Missing Gender Equality Bill

 picture courtesy of CEO Magazine, Emma Watson

Here in The Bahamas, we are involved in a gender equality battle that has lasted more than 40 years.  A referendum was conducted in 2002 where the majority of the Bahamian people that voted, voted "No" to all Gender Equality bills. Yes, yes, I know.  I can't believe it either.

It's now 2016, and all eyes are on the upcoming referendum with the amended Bills (2014). It is now a serious call to action. A gender-focused call to action to help accelerate the need to institute full equality between men and women in matters of citizenship and, more broadly, to eliminate discrimination in The Bahamas based on sex. 

First, allow me to bring our International readers up to speed.

On March 2, our Members of Parliament voted yes (for the second time) and passed four amended Gender Equality Bills. The communication to the House of Assembly by The Prime Minister & Minister of Finance and Member for Centerville (constituency) plainly explains each bill as follows...


Bill # 1: The Bahamas Constitution (Amendment) Bill, 2014

This bill seeks to give a child born outside The Bahamas to a Bahamian-born mother and non-Bahamian father the same automatic right to Bahamian citizenship that the Constitution already gives to a child born outside of The Bahamas to a Bahamian-born father and a non-Bahamian mother. 

Bill # 2: The Bahamas Constitution (Amendment) (No. 2) Bill, 2014

This bill seeks to enable a Bahamian woman who marries a foreign man to secure for him the same access to Bahamian citizenship that a Bahamian man has always enjoyed under the Constitution in relation to his foreign spouse.

Bill # 3 : The Bahamas Constitution (Amendment) (No.3) Bill, 2014

At present, an unwed Bahamian father cannot pass his citizenship to a child born to a foreign woman. A right that a Bahamian woman has always had under the Constitution in relation to a child born to her out of wedlock.

See there. Gender equality does not only mean for women. Both men and women ought to enjoy the same privileges! 

Bill # 4: The Bahamas Constitution (Amendment) (No. 4) Bill, 2014

This bill seeks to end the discrimination based on sex. This involves the insertion of the word "sex" in Article 26 of the Constitution so as to make it unconstitutional to discriminate based on whether someone is male or female.


BUT wait, they missed Bill No. 5


Huh?! What Bill No.5 you ask?


This Bill....

Bill # 5: The Bahamas Constitution (No. 5) Bill, 2016

This bill seeks to create gender equality WITHIN THE HOME.  This involves an equal division of household duties and interaction with the children. No chore or task should be expected to be carried out by any gender in particular. Get 'er done. If ya husband arrives home before you then he should begin dinner (or prepare food of some sort), bathe the children, and assist with the freakin' homework. Women, take out the garbage, mow the lawn, and replace the damn light bulb.

See there. Gender equality does not only mean for women. Both men and women ought to enjoy the same privileges!

You see, if we are going to fight for equal rights, it should be across the board and it ought to start in the home. Don't you think? As it stands, I imagine women have to negotiate the "terms" of running the household with their husbands. Negotiate what they need "assistance" with household chores and with the children. For example, why isn't it an automatic thing for the man to wake up in the morning and get the children up and ready for school? For the men that do it, is it in fact an automatic behaviour of yours or is it due to the negotiations with the wife? I would like feedback on that.

I figure, if we want to see true change in equality between men and women, it begins within the four walls of your home. Children watch and learn from us parents.  They witness first hand which tasks "belong" to who and will carry that with them into adulthood. The cycle then continues.

Gone are the days of women trying to be Superwoman or She-Ra, whichever you prefer. Glorifying the fact that I can "bare the children then get back to business" (said in my hardest Beyonce voice ever). It is a fallacy. You will run yourself right into the ground. Guaranteed. And that ain't cute nor healthy.


Husbands, I ask you this...

What task(s) are you NOT doing simply because you automatically expect/think/believe your wife will handle it?

Women, this is a two way street. We can't expect to be treated equally if we are not willing to accept and do certain tasks we feel (and expect) are the duties of a man. It doesn't work that way, eh? 

Wives, I ask you this...

What task(s) are you NOT doing simply because you automatically expect/think/believe your husband will handle it?

So, let's start doing them. If these tasks weren't on your radar before, let's be more conscious about them and DO IT! Over and over and over. Practice makes perfect! Soon our actions will become automatic and allow for the clearly defined lines of gender roles to crawl in a dark hole and die.

Emma Watson said "Gender equality not only liberates women but also men from prescribed gender stereotypes." We must continue the fight outside of the home by all means but let's admit it,  

Gender equality begins at home!

Signed, 
#VoteYesBahamas to everything...(including No. 5 hehe), Candilaria

International Women's Day 2016

Today is March 8, and it's International Women's Day! A global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women.

The website for International Women's Day describes the meaning of this day as...

"International Women's Day means different things to different people. For some it's a celebration, for others it's a call to action to accelerate gender parity, and for many it's an opportunity to align and promote relevant activity. Whatever your objective, International Women's Day is the perfect moment for gender-focused action."

The campaign theme for this year is to accelerate gender parity, #PledgeForParity. Parity is the state or condition of being equal, especially as it regards to status or pay. 

Women all around the world are battling for and/or celebrating different things and for different reasons. But not to worry, whether you are fighting that courageous fight towards gender equality or simply celebrating the empowersome woman you are, Married Working Mothers raises a glass (or many) to all of you!

Continue to change the world!

Signed, 
Happy #InternationalWomensDay

Candi + Tiffany

Winners of the February Give-A-Way

First and foremost, we would like to thank all of those that participated in the Married Working Mothers February Give-A-Way!


If you didn't see it on our Facebook page the winners are....


Keshala Knowles, winner of the 60 minute coaching session with Kaylus is.

L-R - Tiffany Hall, Keshala Knowles, and Candi Thompson

And Wendy Ferguson-Newbold of the thirty minute coaching session with Kaylus.

L-R - Tiffany Hall, Wendy Ferguson-Newbold, Candi Thompson

Congratulations ladies!!!!!  Stay tuned for the next giveaway! 

Married Working Mothers helping other married working mothers to perhaps make life a bit easier!


Signed, 
Candi + Tiffany

WE'RE BACK....AGAIN! OUR FIRST VLOG

We are super excited to share with you our very first VLOG!

We had a few obstacles in getting this to go Live but here it is! 

Find out what has been going on with us and what's to come for Married Working Mothers...

Please like, share and subscribe to our YouTube Channel for more videos to come.

Sincerely, 
Candi + Tiffany