Dear Woman on the Front Page of the Newspaper

Dear Woman on the Front Page of the Newspaper Jumping for Joy, 


I promised I wouldn't say anything else about the Referendum held on Tuesday. Welp! I couldn't think of what else I would write on our MARRIED WORKING MOTHERS blog. 

The Bahamian people voted loud and clear...

Courtesy of Caribbean360.com

While, I wasn't surprised by the outcome mainly because of the loud and incessant fear ripping through the island like a damn Tsunami, I was however, profoundly disappointed. That disappointment turned into anger yesterday when I laid my eyes on the woman on the front page of the newspaper. 

There you were, a woman. A WOMAN! With her hands in the air rejoicing. (I don't mean to pick on this particular woman as I do not know her but unfortunately, she is who the newspaper chose to place on their cover.)

You can't be fucking serious.

What exactly are you rejoicing for? What victory do you think you've just won? 

Let's see...Is it because...

1. Your Pastor is the real MVP?

2. You don't trust the existing Government and you stuck it to them good?!

3. "Da foriegners ain coming to take over no more?!"

4. You wanted to spite the Government for 2002's Referendum AND the Gaming Referendum?

5. We ain ga be like them other hedonistic countries like the big bad US of A?!

6. Ain no Sissy marriage 'round here?!"

7. "Dey call me dumb and stupid, so I ga show dem?"

or

8. Maybe you really believe women ought to be less equal than men. Maybe?

Some NO voters had excuses coming from every angle and some others felt they didn't need to give a reason.

Well, I voted YES, to every single bill. My reason was simple. 

Women and men ought to enjoy the same rights. Done. Basic Human Rights 101.

How was I able to come up with that you ask? I isolated these bills for what they were. 

I handled this referendum for what it was and it was NOT A GENERAL FUCKING ELECTION!

The pettiness and spitefulness that spread across our islands were vile and disgusting. Do I trust or care for this current administration? Hell No. Do I think we are a sinking ship because of the lack of leadership? Hell Yeah. Is there accountability and transparency? Hell fucking No. Are these politicians doing pure shit? Ya damn right!

But. What. Does. That. Have. To. Do. With. My. Rights. As. A. Woman. Or. Man?! 

Not a gad damn thing!

So, ok, you don't understand Bill No. 4. I understand that you don't understand. Hopefully, you sought information and advice on the particular bill and if you still decided you were unsure about it then by all means vote No. 

But what happened to Bills 1, 2, and 3???? Yes, I deserve a reason for your NO Vote because it affects me and my family. 

Courtesy of uncyclopedia.wikia.com

Why are we so petrified of change? Change isn't a bad thing. Change is inevitable. Change WILL happen whether you are ready for it or not.


I am angry today. Democracy DID NOT win. Fear, Ignorance, & Politics won on Tuesday.


I am not a proud Bahamian. There is NOTHING to be proud of and it makes me sad.

We have to change the direction this country is going in. Fast. To do that now, we MUST focus our attention on our children. We need to inject more of our love, time, and resources into them. Really TEACH & GUIDE them! EDUCATION is where it's at. 

We must raise stable, loving, and critical thinking children to save our Bahamaland. They are the real investment.

That's all we can hope for at this point.


Signed, 
#INeedToFindHopeAgain
Candilaria

Sexless Marriages

I felt compelled to continue Tuesday's post and take it a bit further and discuss a very common trait within marriages....

A sexless marriage.

What is a sexless marriage? It is a marriage in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses.

Sexless marriages occur waaaaaay more than you think. So, our anonymous "Dear MWM" is amongst the many. 

DID YOU KNOW, according to Huff Post, google searches for "sexless marriage" are three and a half times more common than "unhappy marriage" and eight times more common than "loveless marriage"??

That says A LOT! 

It can be an incredibly painful and somewhat embarrassing topic for some. One that very few discuss merely because 1. They are under the impression that this issue only exists within their marriage and no one else's, 2. Fear of embarrassing their partner, and of course 3. The "it isn't anyone's business" comment. Keeping silent does more harm than good as it doesn't help anyone else who might be going through the same thing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It doesn't take being with your partner for 15-20 years to realize or feel that shit goes south in that department quickly. Believe it or not, sex is one of the first things to disappear in a marriage. And I'm not talking about that hot, sweaty, passionate, 3 and 4 rounds type of sex. That was probably gone from before you got married LOL (because that passion fades), but I digress. I'm talking about the regular 12-minute (sometimes that's 8 minutes too long) that includes foreplay that kinda sustains your marriage type of sex. Yes, even sex of that nature ceases. 

Sexless marriages can occur for a host of reasons. Those reasons being, having and the pressure of having kids, tired, over worked, no attraction, no passion, not sufficient mental engagement, low to no sex drive, communication issues, hurt from past situations, tired of being the initiator, or just plain 'ole tired of grindin' (a very Bahamian term) the same man/woman. The list is long and new reasons are constantly being added to it.

It is important to point out that just like everything else, our sex drive waxes and wanes, OFTEN. The realization that "sex and sexual expression changes along with the longevity of a marriage" is significant says psychotherapist Tina Tessina. The acceptance of this realization assists with difficult times.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: If a couple has sex say once a month or less and are mutually fine with that, they shouldn't consider themselves in a sexless marriage. So please, for those of you out there that think just because your other married friends whom are having sex 3-4 times a week is something you should be doing too, STOP! Most times that's a lie. Even if they are, it's purely obligatory. You really have no idea how much sex the couple next door is having so don't compare yourself. People talk a good talk.

"Sexless marriages have less to with physical appearance (or decreased attraction) and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the marriage."

But what is the solution???


Your guess is as good as mine! Tiffany offered some ideas in her post. My suggestion would be to have open, honest and very real communication. That's all I've got. Something we all struggle with I imagine. Not all of us are ready to hear certain things or say certain things for that matter. However, give your partner the opportunity to be an active part of the solution. After all, this is supposed to be someone who has been with you through thick and thin.

It's not that you no longer love your partner, let's make that clear. Nevertheless, there are usually indicators of something ain't right for the unsatisfied spouse and the spouse that doesn't want to have sex. It's about communicating what's going on.

If you are the one that doesn't want to have sex you probably should search internally and ask yourself what's going on. Ask yourself questions. Could it be a physical or physiological condition? Or could it be past situations in your marriage that you simply cannot resolve? Is it just companionship I want and fulfill my sexual desire elsewhere? If you are the spouse left unsatisfied, do your best to calmly and effectively communicate your concerns. Don't blame. It's difficult but being pushy and/or constantly upset about the matter works against you. Maybe, all you need is a little hand job or cunnilingus to get you by. Is that something your partner is willing to compromise on while you both are figuring it all out?

I don't believe there is a time frame or limit on rectifying this kind of thing, and I also don't believe that it's something that should NOT be actively worked on. Whether it's baby steps, like talking through it first or trying to bring the spark back by going to a movie for a date night, or major steps like, scheduling actual time for sex because you're too busy/tired otherwise, therapy sessions, investigating an open relationship or even swinging (that's a whole other post!). Figure out what you both want. 

Unfortunately, sometimes it's this single yet insurmountable issue that may be the catalyst to a harsh reality that none of it will work and the end of the road for your relationship. And you know what, it's no one's fault. 

Or maybe just maybe, we are all fooling ourselves into thinking we can maintain a certain level of sexual intimacy we are expected to for a lifetime. 

What if we reconsidered these thoughts and adjusted our perspective on marriage to reflect more realistic "expectations" or no expectations at all?


Signed, 

#MarriageAintEasy, #MarriageIsWeird, #MarriageIsTooLong, #PeopleLiveTooLong, #ForeverEverEverEverEver?

Candilaria

The Power of...The Vagina

Part Four & Final Part of the #ILoveMyVagina Series

The power that I speak of is not the controlling kind of power. Nope, not the power to "control" your partner to get them to do what you want becoming disillusioned or consumed by the cookie. Also, not the power of men feeling they need to "own" it.

The power I speak of is the culmination of the previous parts of this series, 

The need for women to have power over their vaginas.

While it does not define us, I cannot help but to say that the vagina is THE most sacred, MOST exclusive and unique characteristic that sets us apart from men. 

For far too long we've allowed our vaginas to be defined by others. "Others" meaning men AND even other women. From the way it smells, the feeling of shame that comes with touching it, the way it looks, to ultimately what we thing about it. In many ways this convolutes what our personal preferences really are, preventing us from discovering what we like for ourselves.

Remember, take your time. Get to know it. It's naturally yours.

We HAVE to intimately know this part of our bodies because it is THE most central part of womanhood. 

For that reason, it is imperative that we take the power back and demand the respect both men AND women ought to have towards the vessel of life! A woman's relationship with her vagina could change her life. Take control of, embrace, and harness your sexuality and even more powerful... 

Knowing, learning and eventually loving your vagina is a pathway for you to tap into your courage, your dreams, your power, and your destiny.

Sincerely, 
#ILoveMyVagina, Candilaria

LADIES, DO YOU TOUCH IT....

Do you touch your #VAGINA?!

Welcome to PART TWO of the #ILoveMyVagina Series

Picture used from dailytelegraph.com.au

So, for my International gals, another name for your vagina here in The Bahamas is crabbie. Even that word has its own variations, i.e. crab. Anyhoo, let's not veer too far off topic but I wanted to quickly touch on it so you can toss that name on over to the other 238 existing names, make it 239. You learn something new every day, eh!

The kind of touching your vagina I'm talking about isn't the regular day-to-day touching, like when you're in the shower cleaning it or when you have to insert a tampon during your period (and for ya'll who frowning their faces at the word tampon, I gat something for ya'll for another time). No, I'm not talking about that kind of touch.

Do you take your finger (better yet two) and insert them into your lovebox (or apply them to your "clit"oris) and give yourself an orgasm for the heck of it. No, not your partner doing it for you, YOU doing it for YOURSELF?! 

Do you pleasure YOURSELF by masturbating?

I see you looking all bewildered and stuff. I know what you're thinking.  "Why on earth do I need to play with myself, I have a man, thank you?!"  My answer to that is...

Why on earth would you not?! It's YOUR vagina, isn't it?

Masturbation has long been a topic that women, in particular, do not discuss.  Perhaps because of the embarrassing nature it's carried for women for such a long time. Why is it okay and accepted to know that around say 12 years old a young boy is allowed (even expected) to "jake his snake" while the girls are left to feel ashamed and it become something we just don't talk about. Do they not experience the same feelings and raging hormones as their male counterparts? It's no wonder why men are seemingly more comfortable with their bodies than us women. They are allowed to explore themselves! **Side note - who makes this topic uncomfortable for who though? Is it men or is it the women? Interesting thought. Carry on.**

I'm not saying that women do not masturbate at all, since, according to research, women 18 and older have done it at least once (see what I mean, do girls really only start at 18?) but how often do they do it? For the majority, not a lot. Once married probably not at all ("Because I gat a man!"). Crazy, huh?! I guarantee your male partner is doing it even with having a healthy sex life with you (according to your relationship). Whether you know about it or not. 

Solo sex comes in a couple of practices. You can stimulate yourself solely with finger penetration (Yes, there are women out there that can have an orgasm with only penetration! Which is only a mere 24% of women btw. Lucky mofos.) or you can give yourself an orgasm by direct stimulation of the clitoris. Some women masturbate manually while others prefer to use toys like the bullet (I highly recommend this little pocket rocket of goodness). 

Masturbation offers quite a few benefits. Well, let's see...

1. It can be used as a natural way to gain some relief from a headache. If at the office, sneak a quick bathroom break.

2. Recent studies suggest that cervical infections can be reduced by frequent masturbation. That's pretty important, isn't it?

3. It releases the same happy chemicals as sex. Who doesn't like HAPPY.

4. It's practice for when you perform it for your partner. Which he/she would absolutely love btw. 

5. You become more comfortable with your body. And what woman doesn't want that?

6. It can ease menstrual cramps. No need to medicate!

7. Multiple orgasms. Enough said.

8. It relieves stress.

9. It helps to put you to sleep. 

And THE MOST important, masturbation helps you to....

10. Enjoy YOUR sexuality. Own YOUR sexuality. YOUR OWN WAY.

Get to know YOUR body and what it likes. You shouldn't have to decide what you like based on only what others have exposed you to. Frankly, if you don't know what excites you then how do you expect your partner to know? It's 2016 people, first and foremost, YOU are responsible for YOUR sexuality! 


Signed, 
#ITouchMyCrabbie (often...hehe), Candilaria


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