MARRIAGE: Defending Against Divorce

courtesy of cbcpforlife.com

A few posts ago, I revealed that I divorced my first husband in 2008 after he said he no longer wanted to be married.

Now, instinctively I know many of you assumed that I was not to blame, clearly this man was at fault.

He was... but he was only 50% to blame. The other 50% was all Tiffany. 

Here is the first of a few ways how I contributed to my divorce.




Bait and Switch! 

I met my first husband through a friend in a nightclub. He was the deejay in      that nightclub. While dating I was at this club every weekend religiously. I partied with him until the club closed. Then we went to Denny's for cheese grits and eggs. Every Friday and Saturday night for months. Many nights we were getting home at 4am in the morning. I had myself a ball! My friends were having a ball getting in the club with me for free!

You see in high school I wasn't old enough to go partying. In college I was the biggest nerd! So at the age of twenty-three I broke out!

What happened?

Well, I got married and did what I thought married women are supposed to do...I went to church! At least two times a week. Don't let there be a conference. I was in my pew. At this time my first husband wasn't a deejay in a club anymore but he was a Program Director at a radio station. That meant he was still involved in the nightlife world. 

We all know nightlife and church don't mix! He was not at church with me and I surely was not in the clubs with him.

I remember one time he invited me to an after party. Why did I go in one of my church dresses? No you didn't? Yes I did!!!!!!! Now you know when I met this man I was half-naked right?? What was I thinking going to a club dressed like an usher? 

And so we drifted apart. Way apart.

While he was drinking Tequila I was praying. 

I was no longer the woman he thought I was and I was praying for him to be a different man!

Divorce Defender Number One

Marry like you date!
When I decided to marry again I choose to do just that. What do I do now? Well ask anyone who knows Eric and I. When we are out we behave like we did back in 2004! We knew how to enjoy one another back then and we know how to party together now. 

With my second husband before we were married! 

After marriage with one child...I think!

As for church. Rarely do I attend without Eric. If we can party together, we can worship together.

Ladies, this is my advice to protect your marriage. Whatever you did while you were dating, be prepared to do even though you are married. If you met the man working out in the gym, then you can't stop going to the gym and expect him too as well. If you met the man in church on Sunday night, then you can't expect the man to go to Arawak Cay to watch the game instead of attending church. If you were taking care of his kids before marriage then don't complain about those same kids after!

This is why it is so important to BE AUTHENTIC while you are dating!

Men are simple. Be who you are whenever you attracted them. THEN DON'T SWITCH UP!

The first man I married proposed to me because I supported him by being in the club, having fun with him. He gave me the ring because I had sex appeal. He wanted me to be his wife because I was secure and supportive of his career.

I failed.

I stopped having fun.
I was not sexy.
I wasn't very supportive.

In 2002, I had plenty of time to reflect on my marriage. I was 50% to blame.

Someone reading this now is baffled of this confession. But if you are divorced or in the process of divorcing, in your quiet moments consider how you may have contributed to where you are in life. As women we can be egotistical by believing we are perfect and men are all to blame. Think! If you are so perfect why didn't you pick a perfect man!

Just consider...

Well I have good news. The good news is that I am remarried.
I am defending against divorce again.

No more bait and switch. 
I am still baiting Eric every chance I get.
I won't let go of this marriage without a fight!

courtesy of winterlyrics.wordpress.com

Stay tuned for my other Defenders Against Divorce!
Until I blog again,
Tiffany

MARRIAGE: When Your Husband Does Not Love You?

On Thursday night I watched 'Scandal', the television show on ABC. The episode was partly about the President of the United States choosing his mistress instead of his wife. He chose her because he loved her. He loves his mistress. He does not love his wife.

Are you in this predicament?

Does your husband love another woman? If given a choice, will your husband choose you?

Some of you may read this blog and think that my storybook marriage with Eric is a facade. You may think that it is not realistic, that Eric is not truly my best friend. But he is!

Many but not all of you know that this is not my first marriage. Many of you do not know what I experienced before marrying my best friend.

My present husband Eric and I early on in our dating stage

And so, here is a bit of information.

In 1997, against my mother's approval I married a man seven years older than me after living with him for a year. Why I moved to Milwaukee to be with him, why I got married and the type of marriage I had is besides the point. In January 2001, this man, my husband at the time told me he thought we should separate. He decided he did not want to choose me. 




There are many details I can recount, but the bottom line is he did not choose me. I sat on a bed and listened as he told me that he was choosing something else besides me. I was not the first wife to be dumped and I shall not be the last. But I can confess to all of you that I know what it feels like to be unwanted.


Unwanted.
Cast aside.
Undesired.

He did not pick me.

On Thursday, the President of the United States on this television show did not pick his wife. As the character Mellie sat alone, I recalled the loneliness. My situation was completely different from hers but what we did share was the desire for a man to pick us.

Pick me!

These two words are so meaningful to me. Pick me! These two simple words uncover a designer line of baggage I carry from my father who as far as I am concerned has failed to 'pick me'. As fate would have it, I chose a man that did not 'pick me'. Mellie married a man who did not 'pick her'.

Have you chosen a man that did not 'pick you'?

What do you do?
Can you change his mind?
What if you can't? What do you do next?

Well, to answer those questions what did I do? I cried. I lost weight. I laid in bed. I took sleeping pills to go to sleep. I cried a lot more. And then one day I cried five minutes less than the day before. Readers, I can't really tell you what to do except to feel and embrace the pain. 

Did I change this man's mind? 
No! Can you change your husband's mind? I am not in a position to say no you can't or yes you can. But I can tell you what I believe.

I believe that the only person you can change is you! Remember this is only my personal belief. 

What did I do next?
One day I accepted this man doesn't want me. I was driving and a song by Bonnie Rait came on the radio. I Can't Make You Love Me. Check out this link if you don't know the song. Some of the powerful lyrics are below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfwylq9ZDyw

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't 
You can't make your heart feel something it won't 
Here in the dark, in these final hours 
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power 
But you won't, no you won't 
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't 

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see 
The love you don't feel when you're holding me 
Morning will come and I'll do what's right 
Just give me till then to give up this fight 
And I will give up this fight 


And so it hit me that this man does not want to be with me. Why do I want to be with a man who does want to be with me. That was the beginning of the end of my first marriage. 

I did not want a divorce. Not because I loved the man, but because I felt like I had failed. No one gets married and thinks their relationship will end in a divorce. 

It's failure!

Last night on Scandal, Mellie did not want to admit that her marriage was a failure. 

In February of 2001, my first husband took the keys to our apartment and told me to get out. I was in Memphis Tennessee. I knew no one except my first husband's boss. I drove around for hours trying to find their house. The next day, he purchased an airline ticket for me to travel to my brother in Savannah.  

In 2003, I met Eric. Yes I skipped a lot of the details but the most important detail is that I met Eric. So when you read this blog and I mention Eric, when I talk about my marriage, my second chance at marriage, please know that I too was an unwanted woman.

I sat just like Mellie did Thursday night on Scandal hoping her husband would pick her.

If you are hoping that your husband will pick you, I wish you all the best. I have no guarantees to offer. I have no quick fixes, no recommendations, suggestions or links to upload for you except for this prayer, the serenity prayer.

courtesy of my-beautiful-words.blogspot.com

I can only say that one time ago I was in your shoes, I am not there any longer.

Please, please, please remember I am by no means telling anyone what to do. I am writing this blog only to share. I want to share a snippet of my story, to let you know that I once was hurt but that hurt was followed by some serious healing. It is that choice to heal which makes my present day smiles brighter.

July 19, 2008
Getting married to Eric

Until I blog again,
Tiffany