Are you in this predicament?
Does your husband love another woman? If given a choice, will your husband choose you?
Some of you may read this blog and think that my storybook marriage with Eric is a facade. You may think that it is not realistic, that Eric is not truly my best friend. But he is!
Many but not all of you know that this is not my first marriage. Many of you do not know what I experienced before marrying my best friend.
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| My present husband Eric and I early on in our dating stage |
And so, here is a bit of information.
In 1997, against my mother's approval I married a man seven years older than me after living with him for a year. Why I moved to Milwaukee to be with him, why I got married and the type of marriage I had is besides the point. In January 2001, this man, my husband at the time told me he thought we should separate. He decided he did not want to choose me.
There are many details I can recount, but the bottom line is he did not choose me. I sat on a bed and listened as he told me that he was choosing something else besides me. I was not the first wife to be dumped and I shall not be the last. But I can confess to all of you that I know what it feels like to be unwanted.
Unwanted.
Cast aside.
Undesired.
He did not pick me.
On Thursday, the President of the United States on this television show did not pick his wife. As the character Mellie sat alone, I recalled the loneliness. My situation was completely different from hers but what we did share was the desire for a man to pick us.
Pick me!
These two words are so meaningful to me. Pick me! These two simple words uncover a designer line of baggage I carry from my father who as far as I am concerned has failed to 'pick me'. As fate would have it, I chose a man that did not 'pick me'. Mellie married a man who did not 'pick her'.
Have you chosen a man that did not 'pick you'?
What do you do?
Can you change his mind?
What if you can't? What do you do next?
Well, to answer those questions what did I do? I cried. I lost weight. I laid in bed. I took sleeping pills to go to sleep. I cried a lot more. And then one day I cried five minutes less than the day before. Readers, I can't really tell you what to do except to feel and embrace the pain.
Did I change this man's mind?
No! Can you change your husband's mind? I am not in a position to say no you can't or yes you can. But I can tell you what I believe.
I believe that the only person you can change is you! Remember this is only my personal belief.
What did I do next?
One day I accepted this man doesn't want me. I was driving and a song by Bonnie Rait came on the radio. I Can't Make You Love Me. Check out this link if you don't know the song. Some of the powerful lyrics are below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfwylq9ZDyw
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
And so it hit me that this man does not want to be with me. Why do I want to be with a man who does want to be with me. That was the beginning of the end of my first marriage.
I did not want a divorce. Not because I loved the man, but because I felt like I had failed. No one gets married and thinks their relationship will end in a divorce.
It's failure!
Last night on Scandal, Mellie did not want to admit that her marriage was a failure.
In February of 2001, my first husband took the keys to our apartment and told me to get out. I was in Memphis Tennessee. I knew no one except my first husband's boss. I drove around for hours trying to find their house. The next day, he purchased an airline ticket for me to travel to my brother in Savannah.
In 2003, I met Eric. Yes I skipped a lot of the details but the most important detail is that I met Eric. So when you read this blog and I mention Eric, when I talk about my marriage, my second chance at marriage, please know that I too was an unwanted woman.
I sat just like Mellie did Thursday night on Scandal hoping her husband would pick her.
If you are hoping that your husband will pick you, I wish you all the best. I have no guarantees to offer. I have no quick fixes, no recommendations, suggestions or links to upload for you except for this prayer, the serenity prayer.
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| courtesy of my-beautiful-words.blogspot.com |
I can only say that one time ago I was in your shoes, I am not there any longer.
Please, please, please remember I am by no means telling anyone what to do. I am writing this blog only to share. I want to share a snippet of my story, to let you know that I once was hurt but that hurt was followed by some serious healing. It is that choice to heal which makes my present day smiles brighter.
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| July 19, 2008 Getting married to Eric |
Until I blog again,
Tiffany
