Chance Encounters

I love running into the right people at the right time, don't you?

However and wherever you run into them, it was exactly what you needed.

That happened to me yesterday.

I ran into a friend (whom I connected with through Married Working Mothers btw), and we chatted for a few minutes to catch up on what's been happening in our lives. We've been meaning to get together for lunch but somehow we both seemed too busy "hustlin". But we were placed in each other's path yesterday, to motivate each other.

These past couple of months have been difficult for me, financially. Trying to build something from scratch isn't easy. And self-motivation is required DAILY, whether you want to show up or not. While talking to my friend, we realized how much our lives paralleled each other and agreed that our brief meeting was exactly what we both needed. It reminded us that we weren't alone or crazy, and how important it is to have people that are doing what you're doing (whatever it is) around you.

SHIT IS REAL OUT HERE ON YOUR OWN!

I continue to receive the comments about going back to a nine to five. Why would I torture myself without a steady pay? My answer to that is, 

Because I feel strongly in what I'm doing. And I love it. I believe in it. I believe in myself. 

For those that are in the very same position or soon to be,

Here's a quick story...

I've always been into fitness and clean eating. I am pretty consistent when it comes to exercising and what I eat. However, at the end of March I set my eyes on a goal of what I wanted my body to look like. With that in mind, I knew I had to amp up on the amount of days I exercised and be more strict with my diet (for those who know me are probably rolling their eyes, because how much more strict can Candi get!). So that's what I did. I began exercising 5 days a week. Something I have never done in my entire life (I used to exercise 2-3 times a week).

What was the point of the story?

"To achieve something you have never had before, you must do something you have never done before." 


It's not a short term goal but a life-long one.

Believe it or not my NEWER fitness goals have assisted me tremendously in my business goals. Only recently mind you. When I don't feel like going running or going to Crossfit, I go anyway. Some days are very difficult, mentally, emotionally, and physically, but I do it anyway. So when I don't feel like staying up late to edit a video, work on a blog post, work on an art piece, or doing research, I do it anyway. I just do it.

In order to achieve a business I've never had before, I must work like I have never done before.

JUST DO IT.

Signed, 
#SeeMiHaffiWorkWorkWorkWorkWorkWork
Candilaria

WHAT IF WE THOUGHT ABOUT...THE "WHAT IFS"

I found myself sitting down in a little coffee shop reflecting on my own life and everything that it includes and excludes. Do you find yourself do that? Reflecting? I've been doing a lot of that lately. If you're anything like me, this sort of thinking leads to deeper thinking. Deeper thinking into what this life is really all about and the "what ifs" of the world.

What would happen if we stopped and asked ourselves...

WHAT IF???

What if, your weight really didn't matter. 

What if, you could have the job you wanted and not the job you got stuck with.

What if, having a lot money or being perceived to have a lot of money didn't mean shit.

What if, you didn't feel the need to create a magical childhood for your child(ren).

What if, the dreamy, fairytale love was real and lasted a lifetime.

What if, you didn't have to hide your imperfections with makeup.

What if, you loved your natural hair Every. Single. Day.

What if, you didn't have to dress "on point" every time you stepped out of the house.

What if, you could craft your sex life the way YOU want it and when YOU want it.

What if, you weren't so anal about only having 9 "what ifs" that you constructed this one to make it an EVEN ten...(Ughhhh, Candi you really need to do better)


I didn't write this post to answer any of these "what ifs" or am I making any suggestions. Quite frankly, I am still personally reflecting on them. I'm not trying to write about some pie in the sky, perfect life scenario. Nor do I want you to reflect negatively on where you are at in life at the moment.

WHAT IF...the point is not to digest them all at the same time. The point could be to nibble at them one at a time, starting with the one that speaks to you the loudest. 

Anyway, let me go see which one screams at me, although that damn magical childhood bullshit has my name written all over it.


Signed, 
#IGatCrossfitTonight #MoneyGattaMake #FaceHairOutfitOnFleek #MeAndHubbyDoneRowThisMorning #DoesThatMeanSexTonight #OutrageousKiddieBDayPartyPlanningHereICome 

Candilaria

PARENTING: Life Lessons

courtesy of lookingflyonadime.com

Many years ago a dear friend shared a true story. 

During high school, Chelsea earned 'A' and 'B' grades. She was a good student. One semester she failed to be so successful. She was distracted with being a teenager. She brought home a report card filled with 'C' and 'D' grades. 

courtesy of www.daviddrury.com

Sigh...

One day, Chelsea's father told her to go into her closet and pack up her 'A' and 'B' clothes. She obeyed, not quite sure of her father's plan. He packed her clothing in suitcases then ordered her to get into the car. "Where are we going?" asked Chelsea. Her father did not answer. They drove in silence until they arrived at a thrift store. "We are here to buy your 'C' and 'D' clothing. When you earn 'C' and 'D' grades you wear 'C' and 'D' clothes. I'll give you back your 'A' and 'B' clothes when you earn 'A' and 'B' grades.

Chelsea lives in America and attended a school that did not require wearing a uniform. As a teenager, you can imagine her dismay going to school wearing her 'C' and 'D' clothing.

What a consequence!

Needless to say, a semester later Chelsea received her 'A' and 'B' clothing. Lesson learned! 

Well, my daughter is five years old and in Grade One. She has received excellent grades on every report card she has ever received. She has received high praise for her effort and achievement from all of her teachers. That is until last week. Last week, her Grade One teacher sent me an email describing a talkative student who is is not completing her work. She has been kept in during lunch and after school. She failed to attend a library class at one time as well. Why? Talking. 

Oh hell no!

I am a teacher. I spend all my days asking students to stop talking. I was disappointed to learn my 'good child' was talking in class. Channing's grades have remained superior because of her teacher's tenacity and basic care for my child. As her parent, I need to match that tenaciousness!

But how? Pardon my grammar but....'She five!' She has much more schooling to go! I don't want her to be overwhelmed!

Channing, she deserves to be kid!

Now please understand I am not one of those parents who is focused on grades. My concern is the disrespect, not following instructions, the talking.

And so, what did I do? I remembered Chelsea's story. Eric and I decided to let Channing live a 'talking in class type of life'! For the past week there has been less computer time, less television time, less craft time with Mummy and the most drastic was no gymnastics. Here is my thought. Why should I spend money on an extra-curricular activity? This is extra, not a necessity. Talking does not earn extra!

I want Channing to understand her choices determine the quality of her life!

Here's the thing though, is it too early to teach her this life lesson?

When should parents start to teach life lessons?

My children, Channing and Chase in my classroom.
Five and three years old respectively, very inquisitive about this thing we call life!

As a teacher I see the countless students who are rewarded for mediocrity! Students receive bad grades yet they have all of the latest gadgets. Homework incomplete, missing assignments, teacher complaints yet these kids are not concerned with their lives being altered. What is this? I remember on report card day as a child we didn't breathe easy until the envelope was opened. Talk about 'waiting to exhale'! Today report card day is a regular day. These students are not concerned.  

Who can blame them if there are no consequences for mediocrity?

And so, Channing is five years old. I want to begin early. My plan is to teach as much as I can before she becomes a teenager and discovers her long eyelashes and declares 'I am causing her stress'! (Smile Mummy)

But with that said, is five years too early to take away gymnastics and she get the message? Will Channing understand there is a consequence for every action? Will she digest her behavior at school affects her life at home?

Who knows? But I know one thing.....I have to do something because excessive talking in class which results in incomplete work is sooooo unacceptable! 

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

It's a Beautiful Day!

LIFE...AND DEPRESSION...

Further to my post last week Wednesday, LIFE...AND EXPECTATIONS, I didn't quite know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings without talking about the details of why my heart was sad and heavy.  It showed in my post.  It didn't affect people the way I intended it to.

Some women, myself included, do not like talking about certain matters that take place in their lives. We would rather internalize our thoughts and emotions in fear of how others will perceive us or the situation.  Let's hide it, not expose it, sweep it under the rug, portray that we have it all together because we can't fall apart.

But that's not why we started this blog.  We're here to talk about the many issues that affect us women.  We're here to help each other and build a strong community of women and that means talking about everything, including the hard stuff.

Last week, a beautiful young woman ended her life.  The response, from friends, in the newspaper indicated that she battled with depression for years. 

This was the reason why my heart was sad and heavy. 

I'm not asking to know the details of why it happened, but want to bring to light the topic of depression.  By the way, the rest of this post will have nothing to do with her story and am not comparing my story to hers in any way.  Let's be very clear about that. I do not know the specific battles she faced. 

We are all fighting some kind of battle.

According to Wikipedia:

1. Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.^[1] Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions, and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may also be present.^[2]

2. Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, unipolar disorder or recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by episodes of all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.

The most common time of onset is between the ages of 20 and 30 years, with a later peak between 30 and 40 years.

We tend to feel a bit depressed from time to time for various reasons like, financial difficulties, health problems, you dislike your job or you don't know which direction your career is headed, having relationship troubles, pressures of your own expectations and that of others, to name a few.  This is pretty "normal".  However, there are some who suffer from severe depression and are often diagnosed being clinically depressed (see #2 above). The reasons for clinical depression may not necessarily be different from what I described above but the coping mechanisms are not the same. 

Unfortunately, people who have not suffered from deep depression cannot understand it, sometimes cannot see it in others, cannot identify with it, and do not know how to handle it.  It's easy for them to say, "Girl, pick yourself up and stop moping." or "Well, she is allowing this to happen to her."  It's not that simple.

In 2006 I met my now husband, I was all but 24.  Then in 2008 I sunk into a state of deep depression. 

My brief story...

I met him with his 2 beautiful children, 9 and 11 at the time.  Oh the issues we encountered and the expectations that were placed on me were incredible and the tension it created lead to an unhappy and depressed me and our brief break up in 2008. (blended family post coming soon!)  After talking things through we decided to give it another go. A couple of months later, the news that he would give me would affect me for the rest of my life.  While we were broken up, he met someone and had a brief encounter that resulted in her becoming pregnant.  WOW! What a slap in the face!  The news cut me in the stomach like a serrated knife.  While, we still got married in December 2008, the next 3 1/2 years would be utter turmoil for me, for us. I was beyond crushed.  On top of the issues we were already having, this was now added to the mix. I was severely broken and an even deeper depression moved in. We had a 1 year old at the time and my heart ached for her because I felt this wasn't fair to her nor to his other children.  I cried and slept, cried and slept, cried and slept some more.  I was angry at everyone. I was ashamed. I was revengeful.  I was embarrassed. I was hurt to my core. I was angry at the woman. I was disappointed. I slowly pushed everyone away and just wanted to lay in bed.  I became withdrawn and I stopped being a friend to my friends.  I dragged on my job and became unconcerned and very forgetful of things.  I didn't know how to handle the TKO (total knock out) I was served and I didn't handle it well - I look back and realize I didn't handle it at all.  We got pregnant late 2009 and the entire pregnancy was like a blur.  I always think to myself it's amazing that my son turned out to be such a beautiful, delightful, and spirited child during such a tumultuous time in my life. I continued to be depressed even after giving birth but still managed to carry on my daily routines, like a zombie with absolutely no motivation.

During my depression, I heard the things people said about me.  I heard that people called me an ass for still getting married.  I heard that I was a cruel and horrible person and somehow it was the woman who was the victim.  The things I heard about myself were just as hard to deal with as the matter itself. The comments came from friends, family, acquaintances, and complete strangers who didn't even know me!  I couldn't understand how and why people could be so cruel when this happened to me, I sank even deeper. It affected me big time and thoughts of not wanting to have to deal with any of it entered my mind.  I went to therapy, in fact I went to 4 different therapists.

People do not realize the battles other people are fighting!  They sit there and they judge when they have no clue.  People do not recognize the affect they have indirectly on people's lives. I was able to pull through my depression but the sad reality is that many others don't!

Do you remember the nurse in England that committed suicide after two Australian radio hosts pranked the hospital in which the Duchess Kate Middleton had been admitted to?  The scrutiny after that incident from the media all over the world was unfortunately too great for her to bare.  All because she thought the person on the phone was the Queen!  None of it was her fault, and we really don't know what other battles she may have been dealing with at the same time, but for her it was too much. How cruel and ruthless can we be?

For whatever reason some of us live for other people to validate us.  We live by what others expect of us and we try to live up to their standards placed on us.  We want to make sure we conform to what society dictates to us so that we are not "talked about".  This is a serious problem.  To me this can be one of the causes that lead people to become extremely unhappy and depressed.  Depression can be hereditary, but often times a major event(s) in someones life can spark depression.  Everyone is fighting a battle, no matter the size.  It doesn't matter if you think their problems are smaller or bigger than yours, it's theirs.  People don't need the added pressure during their difficult times. We ought to be supportive and uplifting. If you went through something similar, share it with that person that is going through it.  You never know who needs to hear that someone else is going through it or have gone through it. I am sure there are many women walking around in a depressed and hopeless state, desperate to get out of it but don't know how.  You're not alone.  Making a connection with someone who can relate is the first step. 

If it weren't for my husband (and of course my family), I'm not sure what state I would have continued in.  My husband experienced deep depression earlier on in his life and knew it was happening to me.  He is the most honest and compassionate person I know.  And while it was hard to love him through it, it seemed like he was the only one who could pull me out of it even when he was having a hard time too. 

For me to write this so publicly not only has my stomach in knots...lol...but it shows that I've come a long way.  I continue to deal with it, it is a healing process, but I'm doing much better than I was before.

I hope this helps someone out there who may be experiencing or experienced a tough situation that catapulted them into a state of depression.  Let's talk.


Signed,
a healing Candilaria

LIFE...AND EXPECTATIONS...

My daughter said to me last evening, after hearing a little boy crying, "mummy, he's crying because his heart is sad and heavy." I stared at my daughter in disbelief as she spoke those words.  In disbelief because although the statement wasn't directed at me, my heart was in fact sad and heavy.  AND...what does an almost 6 year old know about a heart feeling heavy?? Wow.

My heart is sad and heavy....and while I won't go into details as to the why, the "why" got me thinking just about life in general, human nature, our society and more importantly the expectations we place on each other.  The topic of expectations is such a big one that I already feel overwhelmed even writing about it.

We live in a world that is dictated by people.  People telling you what to do, what to wear, what to buy, and how to act.  Society as a whole encourages conformity for the obvious reason that it helps to control the masses.  And of course that's what we need, right?  But on the flip side it's sad that at a very early age we lose our individuality well before we have time to develop it!  And sometimes do not find it again until we are much older, or sometimes not at all.

Initially we become what our parents teach us and raise us to be and then our teachers, other family members, our community and even our friends. We go through school for about 16 years of our lives (including college), then off to work, and then off to get married and then add some kids into the mix. Do we ever have the chance to become an individual and know exactly who we are and what it is we want?  And no, I don't think 4 years in college is enough to get to know yourself! Does family and society itself dictate who and what we should be? Do we live our lives for others? Are expectations being placed on us without us even being aware of them? Not only by our loved ones but by society.

Expectations play a big role in our lives.  It's a basic human trait that we learn very early on in life.  Most of our expectations come from our own home and background.  We have expectations not only of ourselves but of our loved ones, especially our spouses and immediate family members. 

Are there expectations that go without saying?  That are automatic? Do you think those expectations are fair?  Should we place expectations on others?  A friend said to me during a discussion yesterday that it's the unspoken expectations that hurt relationships.  But even if they are communicated is it fair to the other person?  Simple example, if your husband likes his clothes folded a certain way, and he expects it to be done that way, is that an expectation you the wife should take on? If you are the one folding the clothes?  And then what happens is, the outcome will be, as to avoid future conflict, that the husband will just fold his clothes the way he likes it.  But then the husband becomes a little bitter at the fact that he has to do it.  No?  What do you think?  That's just a very simple example.

Do expectations from others stop you from being an individual? Are we putting pressure on our loved ones by placing our own expectations on them? Pressure to the point where people become unhappy, and unable to manage?  I don't think we realize how expectations affect people and to what extent.  It can be devastating and damaging to a person if they do not live up to a loved ones expectations.  Just imagine if you removed whatever expectations you have on one another, wouldn't you both feel a sense of relief, wouldn't you feel a bit lighter?  What do you think? 

Expectations is an overwhelmingly big topic and I haven't even scrapped the top but I hope to continue this discussion and receive feedback from our readers.

I'll leave you with a few questions....Do you have expectations of yourself? What are your expectations?  Are you able to live up them?  Do you have expectations of your spouse or any other loved one?  If so, what are they?  Do you feel they are automatic and goes without saying?  Are they realistic for him/her to live up to?  Do you think they should have to live up?  Do you feel you only have to live up to your own expectations?  How do you find a solution when someone isn't living up to one of your expectations?  How do you feel about it?

I open the floor for discussion....


Signed,
Candilaria