Don't be THAT parent

2

2 year old, Lane Graves

Picture it, 

You and your family are enjoying your hard earned vacation at the funnest place in the world (for a child). You are relaxing and soaking in the moment. Your 2 year old child is playing innocently near the shoreline, when you hear a loud splashing noise and next thing you know you are witnessing him being captured by a 7 foot alligator and being violently dragged into the water...and just like that he's gone.

YOU fought with your everything to save him from the jaws of this animal. It wasn't enough. YOU watched helplessly. YOU experienced this. YOU are immediately achingly distraught and thoughts of HOW YOU could have let this happen to your child are overwhelming.

There is NO recovery to not only what you've just witnessed, and forever scarred with emotions you will have to endure for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Picture it....Picture it as if it were YOUR child. 

You can't. You try to, but you quickly bring yourself back to reality and are relieved that it WAS NOT your child.

Matt and Melissa Graves DO NOT have that option.


So STOP.


JUST STOP with the UNNECESSARY negative commentary...STOP with the...

"If it were me's", 
"I NEVER take my eyes of my child",
"I ALWAYS make sure I..." 
"Why would they allow the child to go in the water...", 
"Why would they not be near the child..."
"Didn't the sign say 'NO SWIMMING'" 

Off the heels of the Harambe incident at the Cincinnati Zoo, some of the commentary I've seen and read on this matter is yet again ridiculous.

HAVE WE NOT LEARNED TO NOT TO BE THAT PARENT??

Why do we continue to judge OTHER parents and THEIR parenting skills? As if we are the PERFECT parent. The words 'always' and 'never' are two of the most dangerous words you can utter when speaking on a subject you've never experienced. 

It was a tragic, freak accident. End of Story.

I lost my daughter in Disney World. By no means am I comparing the two. I am sharing the fact that for someone as neurotic as me about watching my children, I LOST MY OWN CHILD. The greatest fear I had before we embarked on our family trip came true. Despite taking ALL the safety precautions and chats with the children, it happened. 

Shit happens. And NO ONE is immune to ANYTHING.

So Let's STOP.

Unless there is a situation where the parent(s) have been grossly negligent, let's ease up please.

Being a parent is the hardest thing a human being can take on. We are there to protect our offspring until they are able to be take care of themselves and be on their own. That's it! As basic at that seems we are here to love and protect them. It's hard enough on a daily basis, but even worse when you are being ridiculed by the world for your unintentional actions or lack thereof.

The support for the family has been tremendous. Let's keep supporting them. They have suffered a devastating loss. There are no words for this situation but no words spoken ought to be negative.

My deepest condolences to the Graves family on the lost of their baby boy, Lane Graves. There are no words. Our thoughts are with you during this tremendously difficult time.

Signed, 
#NotAPerfectParent 
Candilaria

Why Being a Parent is so Hard?

I've been struggling with the concept of being a parent. Not just being a parent, but being a parent in today's society AND to a generation Millennial set of children. YIKES!

This week I stumbled across this brilliant article on HuffPost Parents and felt inspired to add my voice to this discussion.

ARE TODAY'S PARENTS GETTING A RAW DEAL?

A good damn question. A question I debate MY parents with all the time.

I had a discussion with a friend the other day trying to make sense of it all. I discuss things like this daily or else I will have a complete meltdown. LOL. For realsies! One of the points I brought up was...

Why do parents today feel that they have to give their children so much more than we had growing up?

Think about it for a second, it begins from the minute we find out we are pregnant. We want better doctor care, better vitamins to nourish our bodies and growing babies, better surroundings for delivering baby, oh and let's not forget the hospital designer bag packed to the nines! Time to bring baby home and you step into the baby room and all it's colour coordinated decor that you and hubby mulled over for months before baby's arrival. Shoot, by the time baby gets home his/her life is more on point than a grown ass man working 80 hours a week. Making other parents feel less than a parent because they didn't even have a room to put baby in! And you're just out of the gate with this parenting thing!

It doesn't stop there! Fast forward to school age and now the child must have the latest and the greatest toy, educational something (to make it look good), electronic device, games, clothes, footwear, etc. THEN....while, I understand it's an important decision on which school experience your child will embark on, however, these new boutique schools are now all the rave and the school you attended when you were younger is no longer good enough. Adding pressure to the parents in making sure their child is in the "right" school.

We've become a more neurotic society and in some instances too safe. Children don't play outside anymore, long gone are the days when kids can go ride their bikes around the neighborhood. Growing up, my brother and I made it in the house just before the sun set. Did my parents know where we were or what we were doing? No. Did they worry? I'm sure they did. But they gave us that.  Now, we don't allow our children to go past the end of the driveway because we can't keep an eye on them. Don't play too close to the rusty playground apparatus now kids! Now, they are constantly in our faces soaking up the air condition we are paying for.

Why is there a constant need to make their life a gagillion times better than what we had? Why isn't what we had, enough? Are we setting them up for some serious disappointment??? This constant need to provide them with an amazing, epic experience. When we made forts, they were out of blankets, now they are one click away with an Amazon purchase. We performed self directed and produced skits for our parents. We took a sheet and sat on it while the other sibling pulled us violently down the long hallway not caring where in the living room we landed. We climbed trees and found ways to get on top of the roof. We didn't come inside for snacks, we picked fruits from the many trees planted in the backyard. We washed our hands using the tap on the side of the house. We turned the broken lawn chairs into speed boats. We bounced on the old mattress like it was the biggest trampoline ever. We used our imaginations and created our own fun. 

It's become, the outrageous birthday parties, the extravagant gifts, the fancy family trips, experiences that I only was privileged to have as an adult. What are we missing here? Crafting on the weekends, taking our kids here, there and every where so they aren't in the house all day. Kids are simple. Parents not so much. We're doing this to ourselves. Why has parenting become so hard?? It's because...

We've become their most important (sometimes only) source of entertainment. Of everything.

What will these kids have to look forward to when they grow up if we've given them every kind of experience we can think of and only appreciate as grown adults???

I'm guessing we will have a generation of extremely bored, unimpressed individuals. Always seeking the latest and the greatest because they were never raised to experience the boring and the mundane, or learned to love the beauty of the simple things. 

Handlettering done by moi, quote taken from College Basketball, Buddy Hield's mother

They will be just okay. They have enough. You are enough.

If we all could just ease up on the constant pressure of giving more and better, maybe, only then, will this parenting gig become less hard. 

Signed, 

#ITiredMan, Candilaria

When you don't like your child

Last week Saturday on valentine's Day, we were exceedingly fortunate to have been invited on Pure Health Radio show on Guardian Radio, a local station 96.9FM.  

Dr. Stephen Truszkowski and Kevin Taylor, hosts of Pure
Health Radio on Guardian Radio 96.9.

Pure Health Radio is hosted by Kevin Taylor and Dr. Stephen Truszkowski - and let me tell ya - they've got a good gig happening
over there on Saturdays at 1:00 p.m. Tiffany and I had such an amazing time recording the show that it gave us an idea of maybe hosting our own radio show someday! Hey, we can dream can't we!


Candi pauses to write down Goal #8 in her journal.


You can check them out by clicking on the link above or on Facebook.

If you didn't catch us on the show last week here it is for your easy listening. 

Enjoy!

While on the show, I alluded to the topic of this post that might stir up some feelings in women and parents in general.

PARENTING: Life Lessons

courtesy of lookingflyonadime.com

Many years ago a dear friend shared a true story. 

During high school, Chelsea earned 'A' and 'B' grades. She was a good student. One semester she failed to be so successful. She was distracted with being a teenager. She brought home a report card filled with 'C' and 'D' grades. 

courtesy of www.daviddrury.com

Sigh...

One day, Chelsea's father told her to go into her closet and pack up her 'A' and 'B' clothes. She obeyed, not quite sure of her father's plan. He packed her clothing in suitcases then ordered her to get into the car. "Where are we going?" asked Chelsea. Her father did not answer. They drove in silence until they arrived at a thrift store. "We are here to buy your 'C' and 'D' clothing. When you earn 'C' and 'D' grades you wear 'C' and 'D' clothes. I'll give you back your 'A' and 'B' clothes when you earn 'A' and 'B' grades.

Chelsea lives in America and attended a school that did not require wearing a uniform. As a teenager, you can imagine her dismay going to school wearing her 'C' and 'D' clothing.

What a consequence!

Needless to say, a semester later Chelsea received her 'A' and 'B' clothing. Lesson learned! 

Well, my daughter is five years old and in Grade One. She has received excellent grades on every report card she has ever received. She has received high praise for her effort and achievement from all of her teachers. That is until last week. Last week, her Grade One teacher sent me an email describing a talkative student who is is not completing her work. She has been kept in during lunch and after school. She failed to attend a library class at one time as well. Why? Talking. 

Oh hell no!

I am a teacher. I spend all my days asking students to stop talking. I was disappointed to learn my 'good child' was talking in class. Channing's grades have remained superior because of her teacher's tenacity and basic care for my child. As her parent, I need to match that tenaciousness!

But how? Pardon my grammar but....'She five!' She has much more schooling to go! I don't want her to be overwhelmed!

Channing, she deserves to be kid!

Now please understand I am not one of those parents who is focused on grades. My concern is the disrespect, not following instructions, the talking.

And so, what did I do? I remembered Chelsea's story. Eric and I decided to let Channing live a 'talking in class type of life'! For the past week there has been less computer time, less television time, less craft time with Mummy and the most drastic was no gymnastics. Here is my thought. Why should I spend money on an extra-curricular activity? This is extra, not a necessity. Talking does not earn extra!

I want Channing to understand her choices determine the quality of her life!

Here's the thing though, is it too early to teach her this life lesson?

When should parents start to teach life lessons?

My children, Channing and Chase in my classroom.
Five and three years old respectively, very inquisitive about this thing we call life!

As a teacher I see the countless students who are rewarded for mediocrity! Students receive bad grades yet they have all of the latest gadgets. Homework incomplete, missing assignments, teacher complaints yet these kids are not concerned with their lives being altered. What is this? I remember on report card day as a child we didn't breathe easy until the envelope was opened. Talk about 'waiting to exhale'! Today report card day is a regular day. These students are not concerned.  

Who can blame them if there are no consequences for mediocrity?

And so, Channing is five years old. I want to begin early. My plan is to teach as much as I can before she becomes a teenager and discovers her long eyelashes and declares 'I am causing her stress'! (Smile Mummy)

But with that said, is five years too early to take away gymnastics and she get the message? Will Channing understand there is a consequence for every action? Will she digest her behavior at school affects her life at home?

Who knows? But I know one thing.....I have to do something because excessive talking in class which results in incomplete work is sooooo unacceptable! 

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

The Conscious Parent

If it's one thing I pray for daily is to have just enough patience and a certain level of awareness when being with my children. It's tough. The struggle is real!  

We think we are fully aware when interacting with our children but it only takes one action or something said or too many times fussing at them to have one of those mini breakdowns or straight trip out moments. I constantly ask myself, how do I change this? How can I become fully conscious?


How many of you watch OWN's (Oprah's television station) television show, Super Soul Sunday?

I am absolutely in love with this show! I love it so much I can just imagine my Sundays sitting in front of my television in my living room, all snuggled up with a blanket and a hot cup of tea (constantly refilling itself, of course) watching back to back episodes of Super Soul Sunday.

There is so much inspiration in a one hour show, it fills my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy all over.

I was home sick one week and turned it to Super Soul Sunday and watched the thought provoking and incredibly motivating episode with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children."  

In this book "Dr. Tsabary shifts the epicentre of the parent-child relationship away from the traditional parent-to-child "know it all" approach to a mutual parent-with-child relationship in which the parent learns alongside the child.  This innovative parenting style recognizes the child's potential to spark a deep soul-searching, leading to transformation in parents.  Instead of being merely the receiver of the parents' psychological and spiritual legacy, children function as ushers of the parents' development."

Watching the episode could not have come at a better time. I bought the book and while I have only just begun reading it I am already completely enamored by its content.  With a unique take on parenting it seems like common sense! 

What is it to be a conscious parent?  To be conscious means to engage in an active process of conscious evolvement. This, by definition, means resisting an over-attachment to the ‘doing’ aspects of life and shifting your energies to engage in the ‘being’ aspects of life.  The state of consciousness teaches oneness.

I wanted to share with you an excerpt from the book, in Chapter 3 called "Release Your Children From The Need of Your Approval"

This particular chapter was eye-opening.

 "When we are unable to accept our children, it's because they open up old wounds in us, threatening some ego-attachment we are still holding onto."

Wow.  Acceptance in this instance means accepting your child for who he/she truly is.  Not who you think they are or who you want them to be.  To be attuned to your child's uniqueness.

That statement was profound for me because it lent itself to the confirmation that our children ultimately contribute to our overall growth, our self-discovery, and self-development. "Parenting allows one of the most powerful opportunities for us to do this, because our children are able to mirror our soul in a way few others can. They reflect back our light and our shadow in a manner that is incomparable." says Dr. Tsabary.

Children play an integral role in the spiritual awakening of the parent.

"Our ability to accept our children is directly linked to our ability to accept ourselves - both as we are presently, and for what we have the potential to become."

"How can we raise another human being, another spirit, if our own being has been largely dismissed, our spirit systematically squelched?"

Dr. Tsabary goes on to share some areas in which she is learning to accept herself:

I accept I am a human being before I am a parent

I accept I have limitations and many shortcomings, and this is okay

I accept I don't always know the right way

I accept I am often ashamed to admit my own failings

I accept I frequently lose my center worse than my child ever does

I accept I can be selfish and unthinking in my dealings with my child

I accept I sometimes fumble and stumble as a parent

I accept I don't always know how to respond to my child

I accept that at times I say and do the wrong thing with my child

I accept that at times I'm too tired to be sane

I accept that at times I'm too preoccupied to be present for my child

I accept I am trying my best, and that is good enough

I accept my imperfections and my imperfect life

I accept my desire for power and control

I accept my ego

I accept my yearning for consciousness (even though I often sabotage myself when I am about to enter this state)

These statements are helpful for me on my journey in becoming a Conscious Parent as I am learning to accept first, myself.

I recommend this book for you to read.  While not everyone will be open to this non-traditional way of parenting, and that's okay too, I hope this helps some of you who are wanting a different way of connecting with your child(ren).

Are you a conscious parent?  Do you want to be a conscious parent?

I will leave you with a little clip from the Super Soul Sunday episode on the OWN network.

Signed, 
Becoming a Conscious Parent, Candilaria

GUEST BLOG: How Do You Know When You Are Being A Good Parent?

On January 1st, my husband and I sat down with my eight year old daughter and my five year old son and had a family meeting.  We asked them, what are some changes you feel that we need to make as a family? My daughter said she would like us to have more mother /daughter time.  That said to me that she needs to have more of my attention.  I had no idea that she felt that way until I gave her the opportunity to speak her mind.  I thought to myself, “Wow, how could I not know that she was feeling this way?  I am a bad mother.”

I always ask myself jokingly, why don’t these kids come with instruction manuals?  I mean what is the measuring stick of parenting?  How do you know that you are being a good parent?  Here I am with the lives of these little people entrusted in my care and I want to do it right.  God forbid that thirty years from now my children are in a therapist office hearing the words “It’s all your mother’s fault.”

Amazingly, I have found that I am not the only one questioning whether or not I am a good parent.  As mothers, we tend to constantly second guess ourselves.  The truth of the matter is there is really no cookie cutter template of what a good parent is.  What works perfectly for someone else may not work for you and your kids.  We all can’t be Carol from the Brady Bunch.

In today’s society most kids are lucky to even get a home cooked meal.  I remember the days before I became a teacher.  I would get home at 6:30-7 p.m. and then try to cook dinner.  By the time dinner was done my kids would be asleep.  I would feel awful.  Then morning would come and I would be so flustered to get out of the house on time that I would not have time to cook a healthy breakfast.  I would find myself buying fast food more often than I should.  Ever take a crayon and write your child’s name with your left hand because you forgot to help her with her homework?  Hey don’t judge.  The life of a working mother is not one to be envied. I lived with this constant guilt.  I felt like the worst parent ever.  I had to find a way to re-adjust.

The key to being a successful parent is finding what works best for you and your children.  Trying to fit your life into someone else’s mold will only lead to frustration and stress.  For example, I found that in order for my day to go right, I must get up at least 5:30 a.m.  When I mention this to most people their response is “What! That is far too early!”  Well, it may be for you but for me that is what works. It gives me enough time to cook a healthy breakfast, prepare lunch and have a few minutes of devotions each morning.

To find what works best for you, you can start by asking yourself a few questions.  

One, are your kids healthy? Two, are they happy?  These are the two things that matter the most.  Many times we do not give ourselves the credit we deserve.  Third question is how can I assist in making their lives better?  It may even be helpful to ask your kids what you can do to be a better parent to them. Even within your own family you may find that each child requires a different level of attention.    And of course as your children grow your parenting style may change.  And if you make a mistake as we all do, cut yourself some slack.  Kids are resilient.  They are not expecting you to be perfect they just want you to be perfect for them, which you are.

The other day my son looked at me and said as he always does “Mummy you’re the best mummy in the world!”  Just the affirmation I needed. As for my daughter we decided that once a month we will have a girl’s day.

Ernesta Rodriques is a wife and mother. 

Ernesta Rodriques and her beautiful family