Don't be THAT parent

2

2 year old, Lane Graves

Picture it, 

You and your family are enjoying your hard earned vacation at the funnest place in the world (for a child). You are relaxing and soaking in the moment. Your 2 year old child is playing innocently near the shoreline, when you hear a loud splashing noise and next thing you know you are witnessing him being captured by a 7 foot alligator and being violently dragged into the water...and just like that he's gone.

YOU fought with your everything to save him from the jaws of this animal. It wasn't enough. YOU watched helplessly. YOU experienced this. YOU are immediately achingly distraught and thoughts of HOW YOU could have let this happen to your child are overwhelming.

There is NO recovery to not only what you've just witnessed, and forever scarred with emotions you will have to endure for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Picture it....Picture it as if it were YOUR child. 

You can't. You try to, but you quickly bring yourself back to reality and are relieved that it WAS NOT your child.

Matt and Melissa Graves DO NOT have that option.


So STOP.


JUST STOP with the UNNECESSARY negative commentary...STOP with the...

"If it were me's", 
"I NEVER take my eyes of my child",
"I ALWAYS make sure I..." 
"Why would they allow the child to go in the water...", 
"Why would they not be near the child..."
"Didn't the sign say 'NO SWIMMING'" 

Off the heels of the Harambe incident at the Cincinnati Zoo, some of the commentary I've seen and read on this matter is yet again ridiculous.

HAVE WE NOT LEARNED TO NOT TO BE THAT PARENT??

Why do we continue to judge OTHER parents and THEIR parenting skills? As if we are the PERFECT parent. The words 'always' and 'never' are two of the most dangerous words you can utter when speaking on a subject you've never experienced. 

It was a tragic, freak accident. End of Story.

I lost my daughter in Disney World. By no means am I comparing the two. I am sharing the fact that for someone as neurotic as me about watching my children, I LOST MY OWN CHILD. The greatest fear I had before we embarked on our family trip came true. Despite taking ALL the safety precautions and chats with the children, it happened. 

Shit happens. And NO ONE is immune to ANYTHING.

So Let's STOP.

Unless there is a situation where the parent(s) have been grossly negligent, let's ease up please.

Being a parent is the hardest thing a human being can take on. We are there to protect our offspring until they are able to be take care of themselves and be on their own. That's it! As basic at that seems we are here to love and protect them. It's hard enough on a daily basis, but even worse when you are being ridiculed by the world for your unintentional actions or lack thereof.

The support for the family has been tremendous. Let's keep supporting them. They have suffered a devastating loss. There are no words for this situation but no words spoken ought to be negative.

My deepest condolences to the Graves family on the lost of their baby boy, Lane Graves. There are no words. Our thoughts are with you during this tremendously difficult time.

Signed, 
#NotAPerfectParent 
Candilaria

Why Being a Parent is so Hard?

I've been struggling with the concept of being a parent. Not just being a parent, but being a parent in today's society AND to a generation Millennial set of children. YIKES!

This week I stumbled across this brilliant article on HuffPost Parents and felt inspired to add my voice to this discussion.

ARE TODAY'S PARENTS GETTING A RAW DEAL?

A good damn question. A question I debate MY parents with all the time.

I had a discussion with a friend the other day trying to make sense of it all. I discuss things like this daily or else I will have a complete meltdown. LOL. For realsies! One of the points I brought up was...

Why do parents today feel that they have to give their children so much more than we had growing up?

Think about it for a second, it begins from the minute we find out we are pregnant. We want better doctor care, better vitamins to nourish our bodies and growing babies, better surroundings for delivering baby, oh and let's not forget the hospital designer bag packed to the nines! Time to bring baby home and you step into the baby room and all it's colour coordinated decor that you and hubby mulled over for months before baby's arrival. Shoot, by the time baby gets home his/her life is more on point than a grown ass man working 80 hours a week. Making other parents feel less than a parent because they didn't even have a room to put baby in! And you're just out of the gate with this parenting thing!

It doesn't stop there! Fast forward to school age and now the child must have the latest and the greatest toy, educational something (to make it look good), electronic device, games, clothes, footwear, etc. THEN....while, I understand it's an important decision on which school experience your child will embark on, however, these new boutique schools are now all the rave and the school you attended when you were younger is no longer good enough. Adding pressure to the parents in making sure their child is in the "right" school.

We've become a more neurotic society and in some instances too safe. Children don't play outside anymore, long gone are the days when kids can go ride their bikes around the neighborhood. Growing up, my brother and I made it in the house just before the sun set. Did my parents know where we were or what we were doing? No. Did they worry? I'm sure they did. But they gave us that.  Now, we don't allow our children to go past the end of the driveway because we can't keep an eye on them. Don't play too close to the rusty playground apparatus now kids! Now, they are constantly in our faces soaking up the air condition we are paying for.

Why is there a constant need to make their life a gagillion times better than what we had? Why isn't what we had, enough? Are we setting them up for some serious disappointment??? This constant need to provide them with an amazing, epic experience. When we made forts, they were out of blankets, now they are one click away with an Amazon purchase. We performed self directed and produced skits for our parents. We took a sheet and sat on it while the other sibling pulled us violently down the long hallway not caring where in the living room we landed. We climbed trees and found ways to get on top of the roof. We didn't come inside for snacks, we picked fruits from the many trees planted in the backyard. We washed our hands using the tap on the side of the house. We turned the broken lawn chairs into speed boats. We bounced on the old mattress like it was the biggest trampoline ever. We used our imaginations and created our own fun. 

It's become, the outrageous birthday parties, the extravagant gifts, the fancy family trips, experiences that I only was privileged to have as an adult. What are we missing here? Crafting on the weekends, taking our kids here, there and every where so they aren't in the house all day. Kids are simple. Parents not so much. We're doing this to ourselves. Why has parenting become so hard?? It's because...

We've become their most important (sometimes only) source of entertainment. Of everything.

What will these kids have to look forward to when they grow up if we've given them every kind of experience we can think of and only appreciate as grown adults???

I'm guessing we will have a generation of extremely bored, unimpressed individuals. Always seeking the latest and the greatest because they were never raised to experience the boring and the mundane, or learned to love the beauty of the simple things. 

Handlettering done by moi, quote taken from College Basketball, Buddy Hield's mother

They will be just okay. They have enough. You are enough.

If we all could just ease up on the constant pressure of giving more and better, maybe, only then, will this parenting gig become less hard. 

Signed, 

#ITiredMan, Candilaria

When you don't like your child

Last week Saturday on valentine's Day, we were exceedingly fortunate to have been invited on Pure Health Radio show on Guardian Radio, a local station 96.9FM.  

Dr. Stephen Truszkowski and Kevin Taylor, hosts of Pure
Health Radio on Guardian Radio 96.9.

Pure Health Radio is hosted by Kevin Taylor and Dr. Stephen Truszkowski - and let me tell ya - they've got a good gig happening
over there on Saturdays at 1:00 p.m. Tiffany and I had such an amazing time recording the show that it gave us an idea of maybe hosting our own radio show someday! Hey, we can dream can't we!


Candi pauses to write down Goal #8 in her journal.


You can check them out by clicking on the link above or on Facebook.

If you didn't catch us on the show last week here it is for your easy listening. 

Enjoy!

While on the show, I alluded to the topic of this post that might stir up some feelings in women and parents in general.

The Conscious Parent

If it's one thing I pray for daily is to have just enough patience and a certain level of awareness when being with my children. It's tough. The struggle is real!  

We think we are fully aware when interacting with our children but it only takes one action or something said or too many times fussing at them to have one of those mini breakdowns or straight trip out moments. I constantly ask myself, how do I change this? How can I become fully conscious?


How many of you watch OWN's (Oprah's television station) television show, Super Soul Sunday?

I am absolutely in love with this show! I love it so much I can just imagine my Sundays sitting in front of my television in my living room, all snuggled up with a blanket and a hot cup of tea (constantly refilling itself, of course) watching back to back episodes of Super Soul Sunday.

There is so much inspiration in a one hour show, it fills my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy all over.

I was home sick one week and turned it to Super Soul Sunday and watched the thought provoking and incredibly motivating episode with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children."  

In this book "Dr. Tsabary shifts the epicentre of the parent-child relationship away from the traditional parent-to-child "know it all" approach to a mutual parent-with-child relationship in which the parent learns alongside the child.  This innovative parenting style recognizes the child's potential to spark a deep soul-searching, leading to transformation in parents.  Instead of being merely the receiver of the parents' psychological and spiritual legacy, children function as ushers of the parents' development."

Watching the episode could not have come at a better time. I bought the book and while I have only just begun reading it I am already completely enamored by its content.  With a unique take on parenting it seems like common sense! 

What is it to be a conscious parent?  To be conscious means to engage in an active process of conscious evolvement. This, by definition, means resisting an over-attachment to the ‘doing’ aspects of life and shifting your energies to engage in the ‘being’ aspects of life.  The state of consciousness teaches oneness.

I wanted to share with you an excerpt from the book, in Chapter 3 called "Release Your Children From The Need of Your Approval"

This particular chapter was eye-opening.

 "When we are unable to accept our children, it's because they open up old wounds in us, threatening some ego-attachment we are still holding onto."

Wow.  Acceptance in this instance means accepting your child for who he/she truly is.  Not who you think they are or who you want them to be.  To be attuned to your child's uniqueness.

That statement was profound for me because it lent itself to the confirmation that our children ultimately contribute to our overall growth, our self-discovery, and self-development. "Parenting allows one of the most powerful opportunities for us to do this, because our children are able to mirror our soul in a way few others can. They reflect back our light and our shadow in a manner that is incomparable." says Dr. Tsabary.

Children play an integral role in the spiritual awakening of the parent.

"Our ability to accept our children is directly linked to our ability to accept ourselves - both as we are presently, and for what we have the potential to become."

"How can we raise another human being, another spirit, if our own being has been largely dismissed, our spirit systematically squelched?"

Dr. Tsabary goes on to share some areas in which she is learning to accept herself:

I accept I am a human being before I am a parent

I accept I have limitations and many shortcomings, and this is okay

I accept I don't always know the right way

I accept I am often ashamed to admit my own failings

I accept I frequently lose my center worse than my child ever does

I accept I can be selfish and unthinking in my dealings with my child

I accept I sometimes fumble and stumble as a parent

I accept I don't always know how to respond to my child

I accept that at times I say and do the wrong thing with my child

I accept that at times I'm too tired to be sane

I accept that at times I'm too preoccupied to be present for my child

I accept I am trying my best, and that is good enough

I accept my imperfections and my imperfect life

I accept my desire for power and control

I accept my ego

I accept my yearning for consciousness (even though I often sabotage myself when I am about to enter this state)

These statements are helpful for me on my journey in becoming a Conscious Parent as I am learning to accept first, myself.

I recommend this book for you to read.  While not everyone will be open to this non-traditional way of parenting, and that's okay too, I hope this helps some of you who are wanting a different way of connecting with your child(ren).

Are you a conscious parent?  Do you want to be a conscious parent?

I will leave you with a little clip from the Super Soul Sunday episode on the OWN network.

Signed, 
Becoming a Conscious Parent, Candilaria

When You Don't Have The Perfect Child

I was quite disappointed to hear that my two youngest kids were required to go to summer school this year.  My daughter is going into the fourth grade and my son is going into K-5.  Yes he had to go to summer school for K-5.  My daughter has always struggled with the idea of school so it was no surprise to me that she was required to attend for math, but my son has always been a brilliant child.  However, he struggled with writing his name in cursive, hence, he was asked to do the extra classes. 

Needless to say, I was very disappointed but not in them.  I was disappointed in myself.  Until I realized that I could not put this on myself.  Yet, I just could not help but to feel this sense of ultimate responsibility.  They are failing because of me I thought.  I did not do enough.  I did not push them enough.  It is all my fault.  As mothers we secretly compare our children to those of others.  We may not say our feelings out loud but we think them to ourselves.  “ Why isn’t my child as smart as Janae?”  or “I wish my son was as athletic as Jason.”  In our heads we set unreachable marks for our children and when they are not met we sulk secretly.  Or maybe it's just me. 

I want my children to be the best at everything and they are not.  Does it make me love them any less. Of course, not.  Nothing at all could do that, but it does make me criticize myself and my parenting, my husband’s parenting, their teachers, their school, my job, my life.  I can now see why mothers make the decision to leave work and stay at home all day.  Because of that inner guilt that we all feel as mothers. This was confirmed by Shonda Rhime’s commencement address to the 2014 graduates of Dartmouth College.


Shonda is the writer and creator of the shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal.  If you watch any of these shows you would understand the level of fame and success this lady is currently experiencing in her professional life.  However, as she so eloquently put it... 

“Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.  If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids' Halloween costumes, I'm probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby's first swim lesson. If I am at my daughter's debut in her school musical, I am missing Sandra Oh's last scene ever being filmed at Grey's Anatomy. If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the tradeoff. That is the Faustian bargain one makes with the devil that comes with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel a hundred percent OK; you never get your sea legs; you are always a little nauseous. Something is always lost. Something is always missing.”

Wow! I thought it is not just me, other mother’s feel the same way. 

I went to drop my son off one morning and had a conversation with his teacher about his poor handwriting.  Of course, I went on and on about what I can do to fix the problem, then she said to me. “You know you can’t have it all.  You have a wonderful, well behaved son that has a sweet and loving personality.  Thank God for that.  That’s better that having a straight A student.” Hmmmm….Never really looked at it that way.

A few weeks later, I went to my daughter’s award ceremony in the pouring rain.  As children were getting nine and ten certificates, I waited for them to call her name.  She received certificates for Art and Outstanding Christian Character.  As I cheered her on I remember the words my son’s teacher said to me and in that moment I was proud of the children that I am raising wonderful honest and upstanding individuals. 




Shonda went on in her speech to say...

“ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY ARE DOING IT ALL PERFECTLY IS A LIAR.”

So true. 
  

Until I blog again,

Ernesta

The Birds and The Bees

Time to have the Talk

The other Sunday sitting down in church my nine year old daughter leans over and whispers to me.  “Mummy what does rape mean?”

I responded, “I will tell you after church”, hoping that she would forget to ask, she didn’t.  She promptly asked the question again as soon as we got in the car.  I paused and said.  “It’s when someone has sex with you against your will.”  

Interestingly enough her response was a very nonchalant “Oh” accompanied by a head shake.  I thought Oh? Oh!  I was expecting a blizzard of questions.  One of them being what is sex? But noooooo, all I got was “Oh”.  I figured she was going to come back to me later that day and question more, but she didn’t.  So of course, I started thinking that it is probably time for us to have that proverbial “Birds and Bees” talk.

Sigh.  Already!  Yes Already.  If she already knows what sex is, and I am still crossing my fingers that she doesn’t, then its best that she gets her information from me and not the fast little girl at school. 

That little encounter encouraged me to start thinking about this whole subject.  I started asking myself some questions. Like “What is the right age to have the “Talk”?  How much information should I give?  If I do have the talk too early will I rob my child of her innocence?  Again, why don’t these kids come with instruction manuals?  As parents we are left to figure this out on our own.  And each parent handles it their own way.

  
I came up with three very different categories of parents. 

The first is the “Spell-its”.  These are the parents that cannot say the word sex so they prefer to spell it.  Many of your parents may fit into this category.  These parents resort to saying to their children;.  “If you get pregnant, I’ll kill you.” Or “ Boy, you better not bring no baby home to this house. Keep ya tings in your pants”.  They never explain anything and they are certainly not entertaining of questions from a curious young mind.  They are quick to call their children “brazen” or “fresh”.  And if their children are ever caught with the children of the “TMI-parents” the girls are threatened with a bottle of hot sauce and the boys are threatened with castration.

The “TMI-parent”, too much information parent, are those that are too willing to talk and share information.  They buy videos and books and do demonstrations using inanimate objects.  While their hearts are in the right place, the embarrassment the child feels usually over-shadows the information they are giving.  I personally do not feel that I need to show my child a video of copulation.  That brings up another point, the TMI parent uses the text book words to describe genitalia.  Or God forbid the slang words.  They would never see the need to say the word V-jay-jay.

The final group is the “Need-to-knows”.  This group only gives the child the information that they need to know at that particular point in their life.  They can also be called the “Just enoughs”.  Just enoughs only give you the information you are asking for and nothing more.  They only discuss the topic if they are cornered.  They carry a strict “Don’t ask, don’t tell” rule.  I feel this is where I fall. 

After being pressured for weeks by my husband, I finally had a talk with my nine year old about having her period.  She has not had hers yet and I was figuring I had a few more years.  However, my husband was very paranoid about her getting the information now.  So I mustered up the courage and talked to her.  It went fine.  At least that is what I thought.  So, a few months later, her Dad asks her if I told her what to do if her period comes, you can obviously see which of the three categories he falls in.  She answers “No.”

  
I turned around shocked.  “Yes I did!” 

“No you didn’t.  When I asked you what to do when it happens you said “Just come to me.”  

Mission Unaccomplished.

Most of my friends say that their parents never even tried to talk to them about the birds and the bees.  Yet they turned out alright.  But, I liken it to finding a store in the US without a map.  Yes, you will eventually get there but you would probably take a route that was full of toll booths and it might take you twice as long.  It is definitely a talk that should happen.  But the question remains, When?

I am open to your advice.  Let me know what you did and how you did it.  Leave your comments below.

Until next time,

Ernesta, 

Member of the Just enough club.

Parent Post

Good Morning Beautiful Ladies, 

I wanted to write a parent post for this morning and couldn't think of anything new to write.  Last night I wrecked my brain thinking of what I could possibly say.  The truth of the matter is the majority of what we do as parents is doing the exact same thing over and over again.  

I woke up this morning before everyone else, showered and got dressed. Woke up the kids.  Made breakfast. Placed lunches in their lunch bags. Children got dressed.  Assisted with brushing of teeth. Turned off all the lights, TV, fans, and closed all the doors (yes, I have to close all the doors to the bedrooms and bathrooms before I leave the house because I'm a little OCD that way) and headed for the car.  Sat in a bit of traffic.  Dropped kids to school. And here I am at work.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

However, as I was walking into work I witnessed a couple having quite the difficult time with their toddler child.  I work inside a hotel and there is ALWAYS an audience.  It was pretty extreme.  The shrill of the child's scream was as if she was experiencing some sort of physical pain. Onlookers stopped in their tracks to view the situation that had so quickly transpired. From the outside it seemed as if she couldn't get the stuffed animal from the store she and her parents were just in.  Uh-oh and oh dear!  I didn't stick around long enough to see whether her parents were able to calm her down but it made me think about past tantrums with my children and what I would've done in that situation.

All of that led me to ask you to do this,


Complete this sentence... 

"The most embarrassing place my child has ever thrown a tantrum was..."

And what did you do to resolve it?



Signed, 
An exasperated Candilaria

GUEST BLOG: How Do You Know When You Are Being A Good Parent?

On January 1st, my husband and I sat down with my eight year old daughter and my five year old son and had a family meeting.  We asked them, what are some changes you feel that we need to make as a family? My daughter said she would like us to have more mother /daughter time.  That said to me that she needs to have more of my attention.  I had no idea that she felt that way until I gave her the opportunity to speak her mind.  I thought to myself, “Wow, how could I not know that she was feeling this way?  I am a bad mother.”

I always ask myself jokingly, why don’t these kids come with instruction manuals?  I mean what is the measuring stick of parenting?  How do you know that you are being a good parent?  Here I am with the lives of these little people entrusted in my care and I want to do it right.  God forbid that thirty years from now my children are in a therapist office hearing the words “It’s all your mother’s fault.”

Amazingly, I have found that I am not the only one questioning whether or not I am a good parent.  As mothers, we tend to constantly second guess ourselves.  The truth of the matter is there is really no cookie cutter template of what a good parent is.  What works perfectly for someone else may not work for you and your kids.  We all can’t be Carol from the Brady Bunch.

In today’s society most kids are lucky to even get a home cooked meal.  I remember the days before I became a teacher.  I would get home at 6:30-7 p.m. and then try to cook dinner.  By the time dinner was done my kids would be asleep.  I would feel awful.  Then morning would come and I would be so flustered to get out of the house on time that I would not have time to cook a healthy breakfast.  I would find myself buying fast food more often than I should.  Ever take a crayon and write your child’s name with your left hand because you forgot to help her with her homework?  Hey don’t judge.  The life of a working mother is not one to be envied. I lived with this constant guilt.  I felt like the worst parent ever.  I had to find a way to re-adjust.

The key to being a successful parent is finding what works best for you and your children.  Trying to fit your life into someone else’s mold will only lead to frustration and stress.  For example, I found that in order for my day to go right, I must get up at least 5:30 a.m.  When I mention this to most people their response is “What! That is far too early!”  Well, it may be for you but for me that is what works. It gives me enough time to cook a healthy breakfast, prepare lunch and have a few minutes of devotions each morning.

To find what works best for you, you can start by asking yourself a few questions.  

One, are your kids healthy? Two, are they happy?  These are the two things that matter the most.  Many times we do not give ourselves the credit we deserve.  Third question is how can I assist in making their lives better?  It may even be helpful to ask your kids what you can do to be a better parent to them. Even within your own family you may find that each child requires a different level of attention.    And of course as your children grow your parenting style may change.  And if you make a mistake as we all do, cut yourself some slack.  Kids are resilient.  They are not expecting you to be perfect they just want you to be perfect for them, which you are.

The other day my son looked at me and said as he always does “Mummy you’re the best mummy in the world!”  Just the affirmation I needed. As for my daughter we decided that once a month we will have a girl’s day.

Ernesta Rodriques is a wife and mother. 

Ernesta Rodriques and her beautiful family