GUEST BLOG: How Do You Know When You Are Being A Good Parent?

On January 1st, my husband and I sat down with my eight year old daughter and my five year old son and had a family meeting.  We asked them, what are some changes you feel that we need to make as a family? My daughter said she would like us to have more mother /daughter time.  That said to me that she needs to have more of my attention.  I had no idea that she felt that way until I gave her the opportunity to speak her mind.  I thought to myself, “Wow, how could I not know that she was feeling this way?  I am a bad mother.”

I always ask myself jokingly, why don’t these kids come with instruction manuals?  I mean what is the measuring stick of parenting?  How do you know that you are being a good parent?  Here I am with the lives of these little people entrusted in my care and I want to do it right.  God forbid that thirty years from now my children are in a therapist office hearing the words “It’s all your mother’s fault.”

Amazingly, I have found that I am not the only one questioning whether or not I am a good parent.  As mothers, we tend to constantly second guess ourselves.  The truth of the matter is there is really no cookie cutter template of what a good parent is.  What works perfectly for someone else may not work for you and your kids.  We all can’t be Carol from the Brady Bunch.

In today’s society most kids are lucky to even get a home cooked meal.  I remember the days before I became a teacher.  I would get home at 6:30-7 p.m. and then try to cook dinner.  By the time dinner was done my kids would be asleep.  I would feel awful.  Then morning would come and I would be so flustered to get out of the house on time that I would not have time to cook a healthy breakfast.  I would find myself buying fast food more often than I should.  Ever take a crayon and write your child’s name with your left hand because you forgot to help her with her homework?  Hey don’t judge.  The life of a working mother is not one to be envied. I lived with this constant guilt.  I felt like the worst parent ever.  I had to find a way to re-adjust.

The key to being a successful parent is finding what works best for you and your children.  Trying to fit your life into someone else’s mold will only lead to frustration and stress.  For example, I found that in order for my day to go right, I must get up at least 5:30 a.m.  When I mention this to most people their response is “What! That is far too early!”  Well, it may be for you but for me that is what works. It gives me enough time to cook a healthy breakfast, prepare lunch and have a few minutes of devotions each morning.

To find what works best for you, you can start by asking yourself a few questions.  

One, are your kids healthy? Two, are they happy?  These are the two things that matter the most.  Many times we do not give ourselves the credit we deserve.  Third question is how can I assist in making their lives better?  It may even be helpful to ask your kids what you can do to be a better parent to them. Even within your own family you may find that each child requires a different level of attention.    And of course as your children grow your parenting style may change.  And if you make a mistake as we all do, cut yourself some slack.  Kids are resilient.  They are not expecting you to be perfect they just want you to be perfect for them, which you are.

The other day my son looked at me and said as he always does “Mummy you’re the best mummy in the world!”  Just the affirmation I needed. As for my daughter we decided that once a month we will have a girl’s day.

Ernesta Rodriques is a wife and mother. 

Ernesta Rodriques and her beautiful family

GUEST BLOG - MY STAYCATION

"In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you.  To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breathe normally.  Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing.  Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others."

Sounds familiar?

These few sentences are a part of an airline's pre-flight safety demonstration. Let's focus on the last sentence and most important portion of this entire paragraph: “Please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.” What, you might ask, does this have to do with a blog for MWMs? Let me share my thoughts with you.

As MWMs, sight is often lost of the fact that we are also women, truth be told, that is all that we really are at our core.  We are WOMEN - women who happen to be Married, who happen to be Working and who also happen to be Mothers.  These are some pretty heavy roles and we are courageous for wearing so many hats (please pop your collar at this point).

Securing our masks before assisting others is important and as MWMs we often spend ourselves assisting everyone else and often times we neglect to secure or own proverbial mask.  What do I mean by this? And how do we secure everyone else's mask first?  We take time to focus on the needs of our immediate family, the house, the dog, the cat, our parents, our in-laws, our church family, our coworkers, our friends, our various civic and community groups, and the list goes on and on.  We ensure that everyone else's mask is secured first, before ours.  And then we look around for our masks when we are already dog tired and unable to assist ourselves.

How many of us really take time to focus on resting, relaxing and rejuvenating our bodies (and by rest I don't just mean sleep),. 

 Inspired by Tiffany’s staycation and empowered by my loving husband, Jevon – I decided to plan my very own staycation so that I can “adorn the mask first”.  YES!  I decided that I should take time out for me – to rest, to relax and to rejuvenate and I did just that. 

This is my bag I packed then proceeded to run out of the house with before I changed my mind.

Driving to the Hilton, nervous and anxious but forging ahead nonetheless…

One weekend a few weeks ago I nervously packed my bags and even more nervously checked into the British Colonial Hilton Hotel BY MYSELF.  Nervously because this was the first time that I had ever done anything like this and I run guilt trips on myself – if you can believe that!  The random thoughts going through my mind on the Friday evening and into Saturday morning were “I should be home with my family” or “maybe my husband should’ve come with me” or “how are they making it without me”.  Needless to say, once I was able to relax and sit by the beach and soak in the experience – I … was … fine.  And you know what? My family was okay.  They held down the fort.  They were okay.  And so was I. 

Me…laying in the gorgeous…heavenly…cabana…curled up with a fabulous book!!!!

I thoroughly enjoyed my staycation and would encourage anyone who feels the need to rest, relax and rejuvenate to “adorn the mask first”.  It is a gift.  And I am all the better for it.

The awesome view from my room…

Gorgeous … heavenly … cabana!

I left the hotel that Sunday morning, feeling refreshed, reinvigorated and reenergized.  And this is all because I took the time to first adorn the mask to myself which enabled and continues to enable me to adorn the mask to others around me. 

The lesson for me in all of this was that I now know and accept that I too need to be taken care of and that there are times - even though my husband and family do an awesome job of taking care of me - that we really need to take care of ourselves, for ourselves. 

Headed out on Saturday afternoon!

So I have since committed to setting aside pockets of time each week – just for me.  And my family loves me for it!!! And I love me too!!!

Written By
Sandena Neely
Guest Blogger