MARRIAGE: Defending Against Divorce

courtesy of cbcpforlife.com

A few posts ago, I revealed that I divorced my first husband in 2008 after he said he no longer wanted to be married.

Now, instinctively I know many of you assumed that I was not to blame, clearly this man was at fault.

He was... but he was only 50% to blame. The other 50% was all Tiffany. 

Here is the first of a few ways how I contributed to my divorce.




Bait and Switch! 

I met my first husband through a friend in a nightclub. He was the deejay in      that nightclub. While dating I was at this club every weekend religiously. I partied with him until the club closed. Then we went to Denny's for cheese grits and eggs. Every Friday and Saturday night for months. Many nights we were getting home at 4am in the morning. I had myself a ball! My friends were having a ball getting in the club with me for free!

You see in high school I wasn't old enough to go partying. In college I was the biggest nerd! So at the age of twenty-three I broke out!

What happened?

Well, I got married and did what I thought married women are supposed to do...I went to church! At least two times a week. Don't let there be a conference. I was in my pew. At this time my first husband wasn't a deejay in a club anymore but he was a Program Director at a radio station. That meant he was still involved in the nightlife world. 

We all know nightlife and church don't mix! He was not at church with me and I surely was not in the clubs with him.

I remember one time he invited me to an after party. Why did I go in one of my church dresses? No you didn't? Yes I did!!!!!!! Now you know when I met this man I was half-naked right?? What was I thinking going to a club dressed like an usher? 

And so we drifted apart. Way apart.

While he was drinking Tequila I was praying. 

I was no longer the woman he thought I was and I was praying for him to be a different man!

Divorce Defender Number One

Marry like you date!
When I decided to marry again I choose to do just that. What do I do now? Well ask anyone who knows Eric and I. When we are out we behave like we did back in 2004! We knew how to enjoy one another back then and we know how to party together now. 

With my second husband before we were married! 

After marriage with one child...I think!

As for church. Rarely do I attend without Eric. If we can party together, we can worship together.

Ladies, this is my advice to protect your marriage. Whatever you did while you were dating, be prepared to do even though you are married. If you met the man working out in the gym, then you can't stop going to the gym and expect him too as well. If you met the man in church on Sunday night, then you can't expect the man to go to Arawak Cay to watch the game instead of attending church. If you were taking care of his kids before marriage then don't complain about those same kids after!

This is why it is so important to BE AUTHENTIC while you are dating!

Men are simple. Be who you are whenever you attracted them. THEN DON'T SWITCH UP!

The first man I married proposed to me because I supported him by being in the club, having fun with him. He gave me the ring because I had sex appeal. He wanted me to be his wife because I was secure and supportive of his career.

I failed.

I stopped having fun.
I was not sexy.
I wasn't very supportive.

In 2002, I had plenty of time to reflect on my marriage. I was 50% to blame.

Someone reading this now is baffled of this confession. But if you are divorced or in the process of divorcing, in your quiet moments consider how you may have contributed to where you are in life. As women we can be egotistical by believing we are perfect and men are all to blame. Think! If you are so perfect why didn't you pick a perfect man!

Just consider...

Well I have good news. The good news is that I am remarried.
I am defending against divorce again.

No more bait and switch. 
I am still baiting Eric every chance I get.
I won't let go of this marriage without a fight!

courtesy of winterlyrics.wordpress.com

Stay tuned for my other Defenders Against Divorce!
Until I blog again,
Tiffany

Oklahoma...

If you haven't heard by now, one of the deadliest tornadoes in U.S. history ripped through the suburbs of Oklahoma City, killing at least 51 people - including 20 children.







Our sincerest condolences to all the families that lost loved ones.  Our thoughts and prayers are with the people of Oklahoma during this most difficult time.


Signed, 
With Love, 242MWMs

SCANDAL REVIEW: "WHITE HAT'S BACK ON"



courtesy of hollywoodreporter.com



I called it!...I called it!...So bench-sitting man IS Olivia's father!!!  Jake's boss and the head of section B613 is Olivia's father! WOW.  What happened to picking up the phone and calling your daughter instead of the all the mysterious meetings in the park and shenanigans.  This goes deep.  I'm sure that's how Olivia and Cyrus got to become friends...through her father.  Maybe Olivia has been involved in some thangs deeper than we realize....hmmmmm....so many thoughts!

So while I am incredibly sad that last night was the season finale and I have nothing else to occupy my Thursday nights, I will say that I will not miss writing these doggone reviews because they are labour intensive!!! LOL.  A bittersweet moment.

Ok, so...let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start! (in my best Julie Andrew's voice from the Sound of Music)...

So the Gladiators know that Billy Chambers is the mole, thanks to Huck.  As I was watching I was still bitter over the fact that David Rosen seemed to turn on his new found friends, the Gladiators.  But as the episode developed, David had ulterior motives of his own and didn't go along with Billy Chambers devilish plans.  He turned things around.  He created a fake cytron card and used it as leverage.  He managed to get Billy to confess all of his horrible wrong doings by giving him the fake card.  He took the real one but kept it safe until his plan was revealed at the end.  David used the very thing that ended his career and essentially his life and bargained his life back.  Oh yea, oh yea, oh yea...so relieved by that because I like David Rosen.  Certainly he will not be the same District Attorney he once was after working with Olivia Pope and Associates!



courtesy of tv fanatic

 Without any knowledge of David's double crossing, the Gladiators tracked Billy boy down and Huck and Quinn get to work on torturing him to find out where the "fake" cytron card was located.  Huck had a really hard time getting into torture mode and seemed to be completely turned off by it now.  On the other hand, we see Quinn slipping down that slippery slope and Huck is very worried that she has turned down a path that will be hard for her to return from.  Quinn gets the location of the fake card and Abby goes to retrieve it learning later nothing is on the card.

 On to Olivia...she was almost killed (by an assassin sent by her own father?...Weird way of handling your daughter, eh) in her apartment, but Jakey saved her and in the process dug his own grave because he went against his orders and that's never a good thing in section B-613 (whatever that is!). Now, I almost wanted to slap Olivia because for a couple of minutes she and Fitz were completely emerged in La-La land.  Olivia says to the POTUS, "are you coming to sleep tonight?" **blank stare**.  And let's talk about the plan of Fitz running again while divorcing his wife and eventually moving Liv into the White House to be his

courtesy of tvonline.com

 new FLOTUS.  As much as I love their love for each other and know deep down they are meant to be together, I'm sorry this was too much for even me.  They finally came to their senses after Cyrus suffered his heart attack and told Liv that Fitz killed Verna and then told Fitz that Liv slept with Jake.  Yah.  You can say they sobered up quickly!  Olivia, says as much as she would love to be on Fitz's side she can't abandon her team, "I am their Gladiator" she says.  Fitz, heads back to Mellie once again and the cycle continues.

Towards the end all looked happy and settled in Washington, and Olivia is seen about to go for a jog with her earphones in her ears when suddenly she opens the door to head outside and is mobbed by cameras and news reporters. Her name was leaked as being the woman who is sleeping with the President!  Oh my.



courtesy of tv fanatic



My prediction is Mellie leaked the name.  Do you remember the scene between Fitz and Mellie in the hospital when Cyrus had the heart attack?  The look on Mellie's face was priceless, I actually felt bad for her this time.  She walked out of the hospital room not saying one word and the next time you saw her was when Fitz laid his head on her lap.  I think she felt she had no other choice at this point. Let's see if I call this one too.



courtesy of tv fanatic



Just and FYI for those with questions about the symbolism behind the white hat, here is a quick definition of "White Hat"...

Provided by Merriam-Webster.com

Definition of WHITE HAT

1: one who is admirable and honorable

2: a mark or symbol of goodness <could use a few more guys in white hats — Robert Christgau>

Origin of WHITE HAT

from the white hats stereotypically worn by law-abiding characters in movie westerns

First Known Use: 1970

The first episode of Season two (2) was called "White Hat's Off". Where we see the early interactions of Olivia and David when they both encounter the case of Quinn.  Between then and now, their relationship...well what relationship...David was out to expose Defiance and Olivia and the others weren't having that.  Olivia ruined David's life.  Last night's episode was kind of like David giving the white hat back to Olivia, his new found friend.

What did you think of the season finale?  What are your thoughts of bench-sitting daddy?  What do you think is in store for next season?

Signed,

the last scandal writin' review (at least for the next 4 months), Candilaria

MOTHERHOOD: Staycation 2013

Once upon a time there lived a woman. Tiffany Yvette was her name. She was a mother to two beautiful children who, as fun as they could be, some days they weren't fun, not so much! 

Tiffany was always consumed with all the details of raising a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Every morning as she opened her eyes her thoughts swarmed throughout her brain. 

'Don't forget to pack Channing's swim clothes especially the towel, you don't want to have to borrow the swim instructor's towel like you did the last time.' Remember to leave the television on BabyFirst TV for Chase, he watches too much television but at least BabyFirst is educational. I so don't want him to be a couch potato. At some point I have to teach the housekeeper how to use the remote for the television...AGAIN! Is is really that confusing? Did Channing do her homework last night? I have to remember to purchase another pair of scissors for Channing. Where the hell are they? I looked everywhere. I bet Chase threw them away. Which Lowe's did I go to and found those scissors anyway? Lowe's oh yes, Channing needs more hair product. Remember to give her medicine before we leave. Does Chase need medicine? No he's good, but he does need diapers and milk, and some new shoes for church, well church clothes too. I have to get to Lullaby. I bet all the new stock is gone.

The thoughts go on and on. Then begins the to-do list for the house. I need to remind Eric to... At this point Tiffany, having only been awake for three minutes decides to get out of bed and begin her day.

She did this every morning, every day of the week, every day of the month until finally it was the month of May, May 12th to be exact.

Many years ago the king of the land, a very wise king, a compassionate king proclaimed the second Sunday of May would be declared Mother's Day.

Tiffany was thrilled. She was thrilled because she was married to Eric, also a compassionate bloke. Compassionate and wise. He was wise beyond his years. So wise that he granted Tiffany her one wish for Mother's Day. 

What was this wish you may ask?

Tiffany's one wish was to be alone. Alone to lay. Alone to read. Alone to recuperate, to reinvigorate to resuscitate. 

And so Eric granted Tiffany's wish. Thank you again Babes.

This past Sunday, I, Tiffany Yvette went to church at 7 a.m. with my family. Here is Channing, Chase and I and my rose I received for being a mother. Clearly Channing is knighting me with my own rose!

Afterwards, Eric checked me into a hotel for a day and night to myself. Below is the view from my room. I gazed over the balcony breathing the smell of freedom! For just this day, this place would be my playground.

I stood solemnly and reflected for a moment. I gave thanks for my husband, who I confess, I cried when he was about to leave. He sacrificed to ensure my one wish was granted. I gave thanks for my children. I have two healthy blessings that make my heart full when I touch their fingers and look at their smiles. Both of them were once inside of my belly, yes the belly that still looks preggers by the way! I gave thanks for the beauty of God's creation. Our little island, depending on where we are standing, looks like paradise. I gave thanks for my hectic all consuming life. I was thankful! I am still grateful!

And then I went downstairs. I put went to my favorite pool, got my towels and let the day begin! Here are a few photos to recapture my day of escape!

Posing for the camera

Reading

Drink number one finished! Time for a polish change.

Drink Number Two

Wardrobe change after two laps of the Lazy River

Taking in God's beauty once again

Exhausted! Time to go back to the room

By 7 p.m. my hair was washed and set.

By 8 p.m. my room service had been delivered.

By 9 p.m. I was asleep. 

The morning came quick but I was up and ready with pearls and curls to go to work. Did I have a great day? Yes I did! Am I grateful for another Mother's day Staycation? Yes I am! Do I plan to do this all over again next year Lord's willing? Yes I do! Maybe Next year I can do this will some of you. (Start talking to your husband now!)

Eric arrived to pick up Tiffany after dropping Channing to school. He was overjoyed to see her. She was overjoyed to see him too. 

And they lived happily ever after.

The Halls

LIFE...AND DEPRESSION...

Further to my post last week Wednesday, LIFE...AND EXPECTATIONS, I didn't quite know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings without talking about the details of why my heart was sad and heavy.  It showed in my post.  It didn't affect people the way I intended it to.

Some women, myself included, do not like talking about certain matters that take place in their lives. We would rather internalize our thoughts and emotions in fear of how others will perceive us or the situation.  Let's hide it, not expose it, sweep it under the rug, portray that we have it all together because we can't fall apart.

But that's not why we started this blog.  We're here to talk about the many issues that affect us women.  We're here to help each other and build a strong community of women and that means talking about everything, including the hard stuff.

Last week, a beautiful young woman ended her life.  The response, from friends, in the newspaper indicated that she battled with depression for years. 

This was the reason why my heart was sad and heavy. 

I'm not asking to know the details of why it happened, but want to bring to light the topic of depression.  By the way, the rest of this post will have nothing to do with her story and am not comparing my story to hers in any way.  Let's be very clear about that. I do not know the specific battles she faced. 

We are all fighting some kind of battle.

According to Wikipedia:

1. Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being.^[1] Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions, and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may also be present.^[2]

2. Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as clinical depression, major depression, unipolar depression, unipolar disorder or recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by episodes of all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem and loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health.

The most common time of onset is between the ages of 20 and 30 years, with a later peak between 30 and 40 years.

We tend to feel a bit depressed from time to time for various reasons like, financial difficulties, health problems, you dislike your job or you don't know which direction your career is headed, having relationship troubles, pressures of your own expectations and that of others, to name a few.  This is pretty "normal".  However, there are some who suffer from severe depression and are often diagnosed being clinically depressed (see #2 above). The reasons for clinical depression may not necessarily be different from what I described above but the coping mechanisms are not the same. 

Unfortunately, people who have not suffered from deep depression cannot understand it, sometimes cannot see it in others, cannot identify with it, and do not know how to handle it.  It's easy for them to say, "Girl, pick yourself up and stop moping." or "Well, she is allowing this to happen to her."  It's not that simple.

In 2006 I met my now husband, I was all but 24.  Then in 2008 I sunk into a state of deep depression. 

My brief story...

I met him with his 2 beautiful children, 9 and 11 at the time.  Oh the issues we encountered and the expectations that were placed on me were incredible and the tension it created lead to an unhappy and depressed me and our brief break up in 2008. (blended family post coming soon!)  After talking things through we decided to give it another go. A couple of months later, the news that he would give me would affect me for the rest of my life.  While we were broken up, he met someone and had a brief encounter that resulted in her becoming pregnant.  WOW! What a slap in the face!  The news cut me in the stomach like a serrated knife.  While, we still got married in December 2008, the next 3 1/2 years would be utter turmoil for me, for us. I was beyond crushed.  On top of the issues we were already having, this was now added to the mix. I was severely broken and an even deeper depression moved in. We had a 1 year old at the time and my heart ached for her because I felt this wasn't fair to her nor to his other children.  I cried and slept, cried and slept, cried and slept some more.  I was angry at everyone. I was ashamed. I was revengeful.  I was embarrassed. I was hurt to my core. I was angry at the woman. I was disappointed. I slowly pushed everyone away and just wanted to lay in bed.  I became withdrawn and I stopped being a friend to my friends.  I dragged on my job and became unconcerned and very forgetful of things.  I didn't know how to handle the TKO (total knock out) I was served and I didn't handle it well - I look back and realize I didn't handle it at all.  We got pregnant late 2009 and the entire pregnancy was like a blur.  I always think to myself it's amazing that my son turned out to be such a beautiful, delightful, and spirited child during such a tumultuous time in my life. I continued to be depressed even after giving birth but still managed to carry on my daily routines, like a zombie with absolutely no motivation.

During my depression, I heard the things people said about me.  I heard that people called me an ass for still getting married.  I heard that I was a cruel and horrible person and somehow it was the woman who was the victim.  The things I heard about myself were just as hard to deal with as the matter itself. The comments came from friends, family, acquaintances, and complete strangers who didn't even know me!  I couldn't understand how and why people could be so cruel when this happened to me, I sank even deeper. It affected me big time and thoughts of not wanting to have to deal with any of it entered my mind.  I went to therapy, in fact I went to 4 different therapists.

People do not realize the battles other people are fighting!  They sit there and they judge when they have no clue.  People do not recognize the affect they have indirectly on people's lives. I was able to pull through my depression but the sad reality is that many others don't!

Do you remember the nurse in England that committed suicide after two Australian radio hosts pranked the hospital in which the Duchess Kate Middleton had been admitted to?  The scrutiny after that incident from the media all over the world was unfortunately too great for her to bare.  All because she thought the person on the phone was the Queen!  None of it was her fault, and we really don't know what other battles she may have been dealing with at the same time, but for her it was too much. How cruel and ruthless can we be?

For whatever reason some of us live for other people to validate us.  We live by what others expect of us and we try to live up to their standards placed on us.  We want to make sure we conform to what society dictates to us so that we are not "talked about".  This is a serious problem.  To me this can be one of the causes that lead people to become extremely unhappy and depressed.  Depression can be hereditary, but often times a major event(s) in someones life can spark depression.  Everyone is fighting a battle, no matter the size.  It doesn't matter if you think their problems are smaller or bigger than yours, it's theirs.  People don't need the added pressure during their difficult times. We ought to be supportive and uplifting. If you went through something similar, share it with that person that is going through it.  You never know who needs to hear that someone else is going through it or have gone through it. I am sure there are many women walking around in a depressed and hopeless state, desperate to get out of it but don't know how.  You're not alone.  Making a connection with someone who can relate is the first step. 

If it weren't for my husband (and of course my family), I'm not sure what state I would have continued in.  My husband experienced deep depression earlier on in his life and knew it was happening to me.  He is the most honest and compassionate person I know.  And while it was hard to love him through it, it seemed like he was the only one who could pull me out of it even when he was having a hard time too. 

For me to write this so publicly not only has my stomach in knots...lol...but it shows that I've come a long way.  I continue to deal with it, it is a healing process, but I'm doing much better than I was before.

I hope this helps someone out there who may be experiencing or experienced a tough situation that catapulted them into a state of depression.  Let's talk.


Signed,
a healing Candilaria