The Conscious Parent

If it's one thing I pray for daily is to have just enough patience and a certain level of awareness when being with my children. It's tough. The struggle is real!  

We think we are fully aware when interacting with our children but it only takes one action or something said or too many times fussing at them to have one of those mini breakdowns or straight trip out moments. I constantly ask myself, how do I change this? How can I become fully conscious?


How many of you watch OWN's (Oprah's television station) television show, Super Soul Sunday?

I am absolutely in love with this show! I love it so much I can just imagine my Sundays sitting in front of my television in my living room, all snuggled up with a blanket and a hot cup of tea (constantly refilling itself, of course) watching back to back episodes of Super Soul Sunday.

There is so much inspiration in a one hour show, it fills my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy all over.

I was home sick one week and turned it to Super Soul Sunday and watched the thought provoking and incredibly motivating episode with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of "The Conscious Parent: Transforming ourselves, empowering our children."  

In this book "Dr. Tsabary shifts the epicentre of the parent-child relationship away from the traditional parent-to-child "know it all" approach to a mutual parent-with-child relationship in which the parent learns alongside the child.  This innovative parenting style recognizes the child's potential to spark a deep soul-searching, leading to transformation in parents.  Instead of being merely the receiver of the parents' psychological and spiritual legacy, children function as ushers of the parents' development."

Watching the episode could not have come at a better time. I bought the book and while I have only just begun reading it I am already completely enamored by its content.  With a unique take on parenting it seems like common sense! 

What is it to be a conscious parent?  To be conscious means to engage in an active process of conscious evolvement. This, by definition, means resisting an over-attachment to the ‘doing’ aspects of life and shifting your energies to engage in the ‘being’ aspects of life.  The state of consciousness teaches oneness.

I wanted to share with you an excerpt from the book, in Chapter 3 called "Release Your Children From The Need of Your Approval"

This particular chapter was eye-opening.

 "When we are unable to accept our children, it's because they open up old wounds in us, threatening some ego-attachment we are still holding onto."

Wow.  Acceptance in this instance means accepting your child for who he/she truly is.  Not who you think they are or who you want them to be.  To be attuned to your child's uniqueness.

That statement was profound for me because it lent itself to the confirmation that our children ultimately contribute to our overall growth, our self-discovery, and self-development. "Parenting allows one of the most powerful opportunities for us to do this, because our children are able to mirror our soul in a way few others can. They reflect back our light and our shadow in a manner that is incomparable." says Dr. Tsabary.

Children play an integral role in the spiritual awakening of the parent.

"Our ability to accept our children is directly linked to our ability to accept ourselves - both as we are presently, and for what we have the potential to become."

"How can we raise another human being, another spirit, if our own being has been largely dismissed, our spirit systematically squelched?"

Dr. Tsabary goes on to share some areas in which she is learning to accept herself:

I accept I am a human being before I am a parent

I accept I have limitations and many shortcomings, and this is okay

I accept I don't always know the right way

I accept I am often ashamed to admit my own failings

I accept I frequently lose my center worse than my child ever does

I accept I can be selfish and unthinking in my dealings with my child

I accept I sometimes fumble and stumble as a parent

I accept I don't always know how to respond to my child

I accept that at times I say and do the wrong thing with my child

I accept that at times I'm too tired to be sane

I accept that at times I'm too preoccupied to be present for my child

I accept I am trying my best, and that is good enough

I accept my imperfections and my imperfect life

I accept my desire for power and control

I accept my ego

I accept my yearning for consciousness (even though I often sabotage myself when I am about to enter this state)

These statements are helpful for me on my journey in becoming a Conscious Parent as I am learning to accept first, myself.

I recommend this book for you to read.  While not everyone will be open to this non-traditional way of parenting, and that's okay too, I hope this helps some of you who are wanting a different way of connecting with your child(ren).

Are you a conscious parent?  Do you want to be a conscious parent?

I will leave you with a little clip from the Super Soul Sunday episode on the OWN network.

Signed, 
Becoming a Conscious Parent, Candilaria

Happy Independence Day Bahamas!

HAPPY

INDEPENDENCE

BAHAMAS!

Signed, 
MWMs Tiffany and Candilaria

When You Don't Have The Perfect Child

I was quite disappointed to hear that my two youngest kids were required to go to summer school this year.  My daughter is going into the fourth grade and my son is going into K-5.  Yes he had to go to summer school for K-5.  My daughter has always struggled with the idea of school so it was no surprise to me that she was required to attend for math, but my son has always been a brilliant child.  However, he struggled with writing his name in cursive, hence, he was asked to do the extra classes. 

Needless to say, I was very disappointed but not in them.  I was disappointed in myself.  Until I realized that I could not put this on myself.  Yet, I just could not help but to feel this sense of ultimate responsibility.  They are failing because of me I thought.  I did not do enough.  I did not push them enough.  It is all my fault.  As mothers we secretly compare our children to those of others.  We may not say our feelings out loud but we think them to ourselves.  “ Why isn’t my child as smart as Janae?”  or “I wish my son was as athletic as Jason.”  In our heads we set unreachable marks for our children and when they are not met we sulk secretly.  Or maybe it's just me. 

I want my children to be the best at everything and they are not.  Does it make me love them any less. Of course, not.  Nothing at all could do that, but it does make me criticize myself and my parenting, my husband’s parenting, their teachers, their school, my job, my life.  I can now see why mothers make the decision to leave work and stay at home all day.  Because of that inner guilt that we all feel as mothers. This was confirmed by Shonda Rhime’s commencement address to the 2014 graduates of Dartmouth College.


Shonda is the writer and creator of the shows like Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal.  If you watch any of these shows you would understand the level of fame and success this lady is currently experiencing in her professional life.  However, as she so eloquently put it... 

“Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.  If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids' Halloween costumes, I'm probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby's first swim lesson. If I am at my daughter's debut in her school musical, I am missing Sandra Oh's last scene ever being filmed at Grey's Anatomy. If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the tradeoff. That is the Faustian bargain one makes with the devil that comes with being a powerful working woman who is also a powerful mother. You never feel a hundred percent OK; you never get your sea legs; you are always a little nauseous. Something is always lost. Something is always missing.”

Wow! I thought it is not just me, other mother’s feel the same way. 

I went to drop my son off one morning and had a conversation with his teacher about his poor handwriting.  Of course, I went on and on about what I can do to fix the problem, then she said to me. “You know you can’t have it all.  You have a wonderful, well behaved son that has a sweet and loving personality.  Thank God for that.  That’s better that having a straight A student.” Hmmmm….Never really looked at it that way.

A few weeks later, I went to my daughter’s award ceremony in the pouring rain.  As children were getting nine and ten certificates, I waited for them to call her name.  She received certificates for Art and Outstanding Christian Character.  As I cheered her on I remember the words my son’s teacher said to me and in that moment I was proud of the children that I am raising wonderful honest and upstanding individuals. 




Shonda went on in her speech to say...

“ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU THEY ARE DOING IT ALL PERFECTLY IS A LIAR.”

So true. 
  

Until I blog again,

Ernesta

Thank Goodness Part Two

Packed and ready to go!

Sing with me please. "Oh happy day! Oh happy day!

Yesterday, I traveled to the airport. It was one of my happiest journeys to the Linden Pindling International Airport. I wasn't happy because I was getting off of the rock, I was happy because my two adorable children were getting on the airplane with my mother...the best grandmother in the world. I thought she was an awesome mother but she is a way better grandmother!

Due to the fact that she misses her grandchildren immensely, my mother has agreed, sorry requested that she take my children, yes both of them, a five year old and a two year old to America for the entire summer!

Exhale...

Daddy Photo

Off and away!

And just like that they were off. Channing is Miss America and Chase had popcorn; they walked away without incident! My mother asked, "Are you about to cry now?" as I hugged her. I told her, "Enjoy!" She is about to experience my life!

Let the summer begin!

If I were concerned, weepy, anxious or weary about our children leaving the homestead, below you will find the photos that my cousin's wife emailed. Channing and Chase are visiting their cousins for the next few week before they travel to my brother's home!

Look at the three different facial expressions!

Chase trying to remain a part of the group!

Say "Cheese"

And so I repeat my sentiments. Thank goodness for grandmothers, uncles, aunties and now cousins too!

For those of you that are wondering if I cried at the airport. Ahhhhh yeah "NO!"

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

The Birds and The Bees

Time to have the Talk

The other Sunday sitting down in church my nine year old daughter leans over and whispers to me.  “Mummy what does rape mean?”

I responded, “I will tell you after church”, hoping that she would forget to ask, she didn’t.  She promptly asked the question again as soon as we got in the car.  I paused and said.  “It’s when someone has sex with you against your will.”  

Interestingly enough her response was a very nonchalant “Oh” accompanied by a head shake.  I thought Oh? Oh!  I was expecting a blizzard of questions.  One of them being what is sex? But noooooo, all I got was “Oh”.  I figured she was going to come back to me later that day and question more, but she didn’t.  So of course, I started thinking that it is probably time for us to have that proverbial “Birds and Bees” talk.

Sigh.  Already!  Yes Already.  If she already knows what sex is, and I am still crossing my fingers that she doesn’t, then its best that she gets her information from me and not the fast little girl at school. 

That little encounter encouraged me to start thinking about this whole subject.  I started asking myself some questions. Like “What is the right age to have the “Talk”?  How much information should I give?  If I do have the talk too early will I rob my child of her innocence?  Again, why don’t these kids come with instruction manuals?  As parents we are left to figure this out on our own.  And each parent handles it their own way.

  
I came up with three very different categories of parents. 

The first is the “Spell-its”.  These are the parents that cannot say the word sex so they prefer to spell it.  Many of your parents may fit into this category.  These parents resort to saying to their children;.  “If you get pregnant, I’ll kill you.” Or “ Boy, you better not bring no baby home to this house. Keep ya tings in your pants”.  They never explain anything and they are certainly not entertaining of questions from a curious young mind.  They are quick to call their children “brazen” or “fresh”.  And if their children are ever caught with the children of the “TMI-parents” the girls are threatened with a bottle of hot sauce and the boys are threatened with castration.

The “TMI-parent”, too much information parent, are those that are too willing to talk and share information.  They buy videos and books and do demonstrations using inanimate objects.  While their hearts are in the right place, the embarrassment the child feels usually over-shadows the information they are giving.  I personally do not feel that I need to show my child a video of copulation.  That brings up another point, the TMI parent uses the text book words to describe genitalia.  Or God forbid the slang words.  They would never see the need to say the word V-jay-jay.

The final group is the “Need-to-knows”.  This group only gives the child the information that they need to know at that particular point in their life.  They can also be called the “Just enoughs”.  Just enoughs only give you the information you are asking for and nothing more.  They only discuss the topic if they are cornered.  They carry a strict “Don’t ask, don’t tell” rule.  I feel this is where I fall. 

After being pressured for weeks by my husband, I finally had a talk with my nine year old about having her period.  She has not had hers yet and I was figuring I had a few more years.  However, my husband was very paranoid about her getting the information now.  So I mustered up the courage and talked to her.  It went fine.  At least that is what I thought.  So, a few months later, her Dad asks her if I told her what to do if her period comes, you can obviously see which of the three categories he falls in.  She answers “No.”

  
I turned around shocked.  “Yes I did!” 

“No you didn’t.  When I asked you what to do when it happens you said “Just come to me.”  

Mission Unaccomplished.

Most of my friends say that their parents never even tried to talk to them about the birds and the bees.  Yet they turned out alright.  But, I liken it to finding a store in the US without a map.  Yes, you will eventually get there but you would probably take a route that was full of toll booths and it might take you twice as long.  It is definitely a talk that should happen.  But the question remains, When?

I am open to your advice.  Let me know what you did and how you did it.  Leave your comments below.

Until next time,

Ernesta, 

Member of the Just enough club.