Unbecoming Still....It's Okay!

It's okay...

It's okay if you're not interested in 'uprooting before becoming', but if you are, know that it involves 'painful pushing'.

It's okay if you don't talk to yourself but if you do, be gentle, your younger self is trying the best she can!

It's okay to be afraid to disappoint people and stay safely in a box but if you decide to push one arm out of your neatly decorated name brand box, be prepared for people to leave you, well maybe not leave you, most family members, friends, colleagues etc. will criticize, judge and alienate you! Life will get lonely!

It's okay to be fake but if you must fake, fake the good stuff. #fakeconfidence

It's okay if you don't know what your 'essentials' are because you only know your 'usual sentences', but it's also okay to go deeper, live deeper, exist deeper!

It's okay to choose to be 'caged in a pool' but it's also okay to 'want oceans'. If you 'want oceans', it's also okay to let the caged pool people chit chat while you make footprints in the sand walking towards the ripples of the waves.

It's okay to follow trends and patterns but it's also okay to 'absorb randomness, last chances, risks, strange days and your wild ways'. Go through more hells, and be swallowed up whole by heartache'. We associate heartache with pain as Candi asked..."What if?" What if heartache is the your ability to live intensely? Hmmmm.....

It's okay to not really know what it means to love yourself but it is also okay to want to learn how to 'unbecome' .... you may fall head over heels in love, in love with you!

Until I become,

Tiffany

WHAT IF WE THOUGHT ABOUT...THE "WHAT IFS"

I found myself sitting down in a little coffee shop reflecting on my own life and everything that it includes and excludes. Do you find yourself do that? Reflecting? I've been doing a lot of that lately. If you're anything like me, this sort of thinking leads to deeper thinking. Deeper thinking into what this life is really all about and the "what ifs" of the world.

What would happen if we stopped and asked ourselves...

WHAT IF???

What if, your weight really didn't matter. 

What if, you could have the job you wanted and not the job you got stuck with.

What if, having a lot money or being perceived to have a lot of money didn't mean shit.

What if, you didn't feel the need to create a magical childhood for your child(ren).

What if, the dreamy, fairytale love was real and lasted a lifetime.

What if, you didn't have to hide your imperfections with makeup.

What if, you loved your natural hair Every. Single. Day.

What if, you didn't have to dress "on point" every time you stepped out of the house.

What if, you could craft your sex life the way YOU want it and when YOU want it.

What if, you weren't so anal about only having 9 "what ifs" that you constructed this one to make it an EVEN ten...(Ughhhh, Candi you really need to do better)


I didn't write this post to answer any of these "what ifs" or am I making any suggestions. Quite frankly, I am still personally reflecting on them. I'm not trying to write about some pie in the sky, perfect life scenario. Nor do I want you to reflect negatively on where you are at in life at the moment.

WHAT IF...the point is not to digest them all at the same time. The point could be to nibble at them one at a time, starting with the one that speaks to you the loudest. 

Anyway, let me go see which one screams at me, although that damn magical childhood bullshit has my name written all over it.


Signed, 
#IGatCrossfitTonight #MoneyGattaMake #FaceHairOutfitOnFleek #MeAndHubbyDoneRowThisMorning #DoesThatMeanSexTonight #OutrageousKiddieBDayPartyPlanningHereICome 

Candilaria

It's About Unbecoming!

courtesy of
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/

This morning my daughter innocently made a suggestion. "Mummy, maybe you should stop being a teacher and become the person who does hair in a salon." Bless her heart, because I style my daughter's hair, Channing believes I possess the skills to be coiffurist!

Without pause I responded, "Good idea! It's not too late Channing!" I walked out of my bedroom and smiled. 

My six year old believes in one's ability to change. Why not? It's only logical that if you're good at something you should do what you are good at!

Through my daughter's eyes, my journey as a mother has uncovered my beautician skills. Who knew? For the last twenty odd years I have viewed myself as a teacher but what if I am a budding stylist?

Hmm... According to the quote above I am unbecoming a teacher so I can be who I was meant to be in the first place! ( I seriously doubt that is a beautician though!)

"Maybe it is about unbecoming everything that isn't really you.."

This life is strange. For the last 43 years, life has been about becoming something.

Become a good daughter.

Become a good sister.
Become a good Christian.

Become a high school graduate.

Become a college graduate.

Become an independent woman.

Become a career woman.

Become a good girlfriend.
Become a good church member.

Become a wife.

Become a mother.

Sigh.... Where is this line?

Become Tiffany.

Let's be logical. I am Tiffany. I should be good at being Tiffany. Hence as Channing inferred...if I am good at being Tiffany I should do what I am good at...becoming Tiffany. Being Tiffany!

Wait a minute. What about all of my roles? What about all the people who love Tiffany? Oh yes, they would support me right? They wouldn't judge my hidden desires if I expose them to the universe would they? They love me unconditionally right? I can quit my job and be a gypsy if my little heart yearns for bare feet, a headband and twirls lots of twirls in the grass as 2:15pm just because? Everyone would understand if I spoke with no filter at all times? Yes? or No?

Remember now, we all know good little girls are taught to..

Please your family.

Please your teachers.

Then good women are expected to ...

Please your priest.

Please your colleagues.

Please your employer.

Please your girlfriends.

Please your husband.
Please your in-laws.

Please your children.

Sigh..

And how do you please all these folks? You do what they want you to do. You be who they think you should be. You fulfill their requests. You never say no! You ensure they are happy and not disappointed. You stay the course. Stay in their lane. Do them and not you. You wear the right clothing. You frown at the wrong jokes. You buy the right gifts. You discuss the right topics. You swallow the wrong words. You dismiss the wrong thoughts.

Awesome! You did it! You are 35 years of age with the accolades of an approved husband, approved children in the approved school always dressed in the approved clothing, the approved house, on the approved street, with the approved car to take you to your approved job, dressed in the approved clothing to hang out with the approved colleagues or girlfriends who on the approved night you go out to dinner at the approved restaurant and drink the approved drink before you go home at the approved hour.

No wonder so many of us are exhausted! 
This journey to become something is exhausting.

courtesy of twinpossible.com

#ITiredMan

Look at this image to the right. At 39 the ladies are concerned about drinking the 'approved wine' and wearing the 'approved pants'! 

Sigh

And then you wake up one morning and you decide to change the journey. For many, we turn 40! 


SOME OF US! I repeat some of us....

We are tired but not physically tired because given the correct environment we have the energy of a five year old. No we are tired of living the 'Approved By All' life. There are some women who are ready to unbecome, to unbecome the 'Approved By All' life to be who they were meant to be in the first place!

Here's the question though, how do you unbecome? By this age when you realize what if my life is not about becoming anything it is about unbecoming everything that isn't really me, to be everything I was meant to be, you are vested in life. 

Husband.
Kids.
Mortgage.
School Fees.
Car Notes.
These are our commitments. By no means do I believe you 'unbecome' and neglect commitments. But by all means I do believe you 'unbecome' and be you within the confines of commitments.

Be that woman who laughs at naughty jokes or better yet tells naughty jokes! Laugh and laugh hard. If you like to dance, leave those approved girlfriends sitting down and dance until your shoes expire. I dare you to dance in the middle of the dance floor too! Be that woman who speaks her thoughts. Yes, they may be confrontational but what if your words are the first step to healing. Be the woman who reads a book at a party because you are bored and don't feel like talking to the boring approved people at the party. At least you were prepared and brought something to do!

Unpeel!
Detox!
Exfoliate!

Scratch the layers off. Soak off the dead skin. Hell, laser if you have to do.
But dammit ladies...let's live man! We don't have to take our bras off and burn them but let's live with our bras on.

Speaking of bras. For those who know me I have big boobs, big DD boobs, a girlfriend refers to them as my national geographics because they are saggy too. Well, I'll have you know the other night I was at a restaurant, well my bra expired. Sweetness, at 43, I stood up, went to a corner and took my bra off. Yes I did! I 'unbecame and let my girls loose'! 

Unbecoming takes courage!

The lyrics of 'Fight Song' by Rachel Platten inspire me. Let it inspire you!

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Listen and sing loud loud loud. When it plays on the radio and your daughter sings it, you sing too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

Why Being a Parent is so Hard?

I've been struggling with the concept of being a parent. Not just being a parent, but being a parent in today's society AND to a generation Millennial set of children. YIKES!

This week I stumbled across this brilliant article on HuffPost Parents and felt inspired to add my voice to this discussion.

ARE TODAY'S PARENTS GETTING A RAW DEAL?

A good damn question. A question I debate MY parents with all the time.

I had a discussion with a friend the other day trying to make sense of it all. I discuss things like this daily or else I will have a complete meltdown. LOL. For realsies! One of the points I brought up was...

Why do parents today feel that they have to give their children so much more than we had growing up?

Think about it for a second, it begins from the minute we find out we are pregnant. We want better doctor care, better vitamins to nourish our bodies and growing babies, better surroundings for delivering baby, oh and let's not forget the hospital designer bag packed to the nines! Time to bring baby home and you step into the baby room and all it's colour coordinated decor that you and hubby mulled over for months before baby's arrival. Shoot, by the time baby gets home his/her life is more on point than a grown ass man working 80 hours a week. Making other parents feel less than a parent because they didn't even have a room to put baby in! And you're just out of the gate with this parenting thing!

It doesn't stop there! Fast forward to school age and now the child must have the latest and the greatest toy, educational something (to make it look good), electronic device, games, clothes, footwear, etc. THEN....while, I understand it's an important decision on which school experience your child will embark on, however, these new boutique schools are now all the rave and the school you attended when you were younger is no longer good enough. Adding pressure to the parents in making sure their child is in the "right" school.

We've become a more neurotic society and in some instances too safe. Children don't play outside anymore, long gone are the days when kids can go ride their bikes around the neighborhood. Growing up, my brother and I made it in the house just before the sun set. Did my parents know where we were or what we were doing? No. Did they worry? I'm sure they did. But they gave us that.  Now, we don't allow our children to go past the end of the driveway because we can't keep an eye on them. Don't play too close to the rusty playground apparatus now kids! Now, they are constantly in our faces soaking up the air condition we are paying for.

Why is there a constant need to make their life a gagillion times better than what we had? Why isn't what we had, enough? Are we setting them up for some serious disappointment??? This constant need to provide them with an amazing, epic experience. When we made forts, they were out of blankets, now they are one click away with an Amazon purchase. We performed self directed and produced skits for our parents. We took a sheet and sat on it while the other sibling pulled us violently down the long hallway not caring where in the living room we landed. We climbed trees and found ways to get on top of the roof. We didn't come inside for snacks, we picked fruits from the many trees planted in the backyard. We washed our hands using the tap on the side of the house. We turned the broken lawn chairs into speed boats. We bounced on the old mattress like it was the biggest trampoline ever. We used our imaginations and created our own fun. 

It's become, the outrageous birthday parties, the extravagant gifts, the fancy family trips, experiences that I only was privileged to have as an adult. What are we missing here? Crafting on the weekends, taking our kids here, there and every where so they aren't in the house all day. Kids are simple. Parents not so much. We're doing this to ourselves. Why has parenting become so hard?? It's because...

We've become their most important (sometimes only) source of entertainment. Of everything.

What will these kids have to look forward to when they grow up if we've given them every kind of experience we can think of and only appreciate as grown adults???

I'm guessing we will have a generation of extremely bored, unimpressed individuals. Always seeking the latest and the greatest because they were never raised to experience the boring and the mundane, or learned to love the beauty of the simple things. 

Handlettering done by moi, quote taken from College Basketball, Buddy Hield's mother

They will be just okay. They have enough. You are enough.

If we all could just ease up on the constant pressure of giving more and better, maybe, only then, will this parenting gig become less hard. 

Signed, 

#ITiredMan, Candilaria

Seriously?!!!

FUNNY VIDEO FOR TODAY....well maybe not so funny!

 

How would your husband respond to this question?

I would _________ for sex?  Check out this video below from Family Feud...

 

 

 

 

Seriously Steve Harvey!!!!
Pay?
Beg?
Lie?
Kill?
For some sex?
Die?
Really?

Ladies, we rule the world!!!!

Until I blog again,
Tiffany

Sexless Marriages

I felt compelled to continue Tuesday's post and take it a bit further and discuss a very common trait within marriages....

A sexless marriage.

What is a sexless marriage? It is a marriage in which little or no sexual activity occurs between the two spouses.

Sexless marriages occur waaaaaay more than you think. So, our anonymous "Dear MWM" is amongst the many. 

DID YOU KNOW, according to Huff Post, google searches for "sexless marriage" are three and a half times more common than "unhappy marriage" and eight times more common than "loveless marriage"??

That says A LOT! 

It can be an incredibly painful and somewhat embarrassing topic for some. One that very few discuss merely because 1. They are under the impression that this issue only exists within their marriage and no one else's, 2. Fear of embarrassing their partner, and of course 3. The "it isn't anyone's business" comment. Keeping silent does more harm than good as it doesn't help anyone else who might be going through the same thing.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

It doesn't take being with your partner for 15-20 years to realize or feel that shit goes south in that department quickly. Believe it or not, sex is one of the first things to disappear in a marriage. And I'm not talking about that hot, sweaty, passionate, 3 and 4 rounds type of sex. That was probably gone from before you got married LOL (because that passion fades), but I digress. I'm talking about the regular 12-minute (sometimes that's 8 minutes too long) that includes foreplay that kinda sustains your marriage type of sex. Yes, even sex of that nature ceases. 

Sexless marriages can occur for a host of reasons. Those reasons being, having and the pressure of having kids, tired, over worked, no attraction, no passion, not sufficient mental engagement, low to no sex drive, communication issues, hurt from past situations, tired of being the initiator, or just plain 'ole tired of grindin' (a very Bahamian term) the same man/woman. The list is long and new reasons are constantly being added to it.

It is important to point out that just like everything else, our sex drive waxes and wanes, OFTEN. The realization that "sex and sexual expression changes along with the longevity of a marriage" is significant says psychotherapist Tina Tessina. The acceptance of this realization assists with difficult times.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: If a couple has sex say once a month or less and are mutually fine with that, they shouldn't consider themselves in a sexless marriage. So please, for those of you out there that think just because your other married friends whom are having sex 3-4 times a week is something you should be doing too, STOP! Most times that's a lie. Even if they are, it's purely obligatory. You really have no idea how much sex the couple next door is having so don't compare yourself. People talk a good talk.

"Sexless marriages have less to with physical appearance (or decreased attraction) and more to do with unexpressed and unresolved unhappiness in the marriage."

But what is the solution???


Your guess is as good as mine! Tiffany offered some ideas in her post. My suggestion would be to have open, honest and very real communication. That's all I've got. Something we all struggle with I imagine. Not all of us are ready to hear certain things or say certain things for that matter. However, give your partner the opportunity to be an active part of the solution. After all, this is supposed to be someone who has been with you through thick and thin.

It's not that you no longer love your partner, let's make that clear. Nevertheless, there are usually indicators of something ain't right for the unsatisfied spouse and the spouse that doesn't want to have sex. It's about communicating what's going on.

If you are the one that doesn't want to have sex you probably should search internally and ask yourself what's going on. Ask yourself questions. Could it be a physical or physiological condition? Or could it be past situations in your marriage that you simply cannot resolve? Is it just companionship I want and fulfill my sexual desire elsewhere? If you are the spouse left unsatisfied, do your best to calmly and effectively communicate your concerns. Don't blame. It's difficult but being pushy and/or constantly upset about the matter works against you. Maybe, all you need is a little hand job or cunnilingus to get you by. Is that something your partner is willing to compromise on while you both are figuring it all out?

I don't believe there is a time frame or limit on rectifying this kind of thing, and I also don't believe that it's something that should NOT be actively worked on. Whether it's baby steps, like talking through it first or trying to bring the spark back by going to a movie for a date night, or major steps like, scheduling actual time for sex because you're too busy/tired otherwise, therapy sessions, investigating an open relationship or even swinging (that's a whole other post!). Figure out what you both want. 

Unfortunately, sometimes it's this single yet insurmountable issue that may be the catalyst to a harsh reality that none of it will work and the end of the road for your relationship. And you know what, it's no one's fault. 

Or maybe just maybe, we are all fooling ourselves into thinking we can maintain a certain level of sexual intimacy we are expected to for a lifetime. 

What if we reconsidered these thoughts and adjusted our perspective on marriage to reflect more realistic "expectations" or no expectations at all?


Signed, 

#MarriageAintEasy, #MarriageIsWeird, #MarriageIsTooLong, #PeopleLiveTooLong, #ForeverEverEverEverEver?

Candilaria

Dear MWM...

Below is a letter sent from an anonymous reader to our email account marriedworkingmothers@gmail.com. This is the first time Candi and I have received an email of this nature. 

Dear Candi and Tiffany,

I love your blog. Both of you are willing to be honest as you share your experience as wives, women and mothers.

I would like your advice. I am not attracted to my husband any longer. I have been married for fourteen years with three children. My husband is seven years older and always ready to have sex with me. I enjoy sex unfortunately I am never in the mood to have sex with my husband. I no longer find him attractive. Our life is great, my husband wants me but I don't want him.

What do I do?

Signed,

Anonymous   

 

courtesy of allanapratt.com

I decided to post my response in the blog based on the reality that many more of our readers may be having the exact experience.

Dear Anonymous, 

Wow! Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. Both Candi and I are humbled by your request for our advice.

Go to your internet browser. Type 'not attracted to my husband'. Press 'enter'! There are countless articles tackling this issue.

You are not alone!

courtesy of www.thegloss.com

Despite what women may say to their husbands, women do have sex drives. Our loins tingle and want to be satisfied as well. For some wives, their husband are the focus of their desires, for others not so much.

This topic is a difficult one to discuss as many women are unwilling to disclose such information. How does anyone say to their girlfriend 'my husband doesn't arouse me' when their girlfriend's Facebook page is inundated with perfect photos of her and her husband? How does the girlfriend who posts all the 'perfect pictures' reveal to her girlfriend, 'I post pictures but I have no desire for my husband to make me cum'?

Hence your anonymous request for advice. Well as you mentioned at MWM's, we are willing to share our opinions on taboo topics!

In an effort  to 'Seek First To Understand Then To Be Understood' the following are what I read in your email to be true.

1. You love your husband.

2. You have created a good family life with your husband.

3. You are not interested in having sex with your husband because you no 

    longer find him attractive.
4. You want to have sex.

If all of these statements are true before I offer my humble opinion I have a few questions.

Question One: 

Were you attracted to your husband before you were married? Truly attracted or did you make a calculated decision to marry?

If you did make a smart decision to marry, then it only makes sense why your husband is not attractive any longer. He never was attractive!

Question Two:

If your husband was attractive to you but over the years you are no longer in the mood, then ask yourself, what happened?

I have been married for eight years. I am 43 years old, my husband is 40. We have two children. We have known each other for 13 years. The intensity of my sex drive is directly linked to my sense of security and satisfaction.

If my husband built a successful business venture making our financial future secure, so secure I could pursue my dreams, raise our children and enjoy life of course I would desire more sex. As life stands, I am a MWM with worries. Those worries can consume my thoughts on many evenings and I have no interest in his 'good good'!

Sometimes life can get in the way! Men do not understand their ability to take care of sh$#t is directly linked to our interest in sex.

Question 3:

Are you not attracted to your husband physically?

1. Has he gained weight?

2. Has he developed new bad habits, drinking or smoking?

3. Has be become unrecognizable due to depression?

courtesy of www.pinterest.com

Question 4:

Are you bored?

Yes bored! Marriage can be boring. Same bed, same position, same man!

#bored

@yawnwithmylife...is that your handle?

Maybe you aren't attracted to your husband because he's become boring. Did you stop having fun together? Did your bedroom become boring?

Anonymous, you asked for our advice on what to do. I wish I knew your answers to my questions. I don't so here goes. What should you do?

Let me start by stating I believe there are stages in a marriage. There are stages in a marriage because humans go through different stages of development. People change therefore marriages change. We cannot expect to be as fascinated or passionate with an individual after years and years of 'looking up into one another's face'. 

courtesy of www.therelationshipspecialist.com

It is highly likely you are in Stage Two or Three. You may realize the man you've married and are rebelling against the choice you have made. Just a thought....

courtesy of www.slideshare.net

These stages of marriage are informative but they do not explain your dilemma. You want to have sex but not with your husband. Moreover, you have a husband who still always wants to have sex with you. What should you do?

Well,

• If you have never been attracted to your husband but yet you still married him because it was the smart thing to do unfortunately, I doubt you will ever be attracted to him. Carry on your life smartly!

• If you are not attracted to your husband because life is heavy and you are carrying the weight of your family on your back, discuss your frustration with your husband. BE BLUNT! 'These ________ (Fill in the blank) are killing me. I can't figure everything out. I need you to take care of some of this sh%&t! He may surprise you and step up by offering solutions. One thing is true, he can't offer a solution if he is unaware of a problem. Hopefully, once aware of the weight on your shoulders he will assist by being your knight in shining armour. Every woman wants to make love to their one and only knight!

• If you are not physically attracted to your husband, yikes ... this is a sensitive situation. It is time for a "Come to Jesus" conversation. A conversation which may begin with the words, 'Honey, I love you, I'm not going anywhere but your ___________ (Fill in the blank) is affecting my desire to have sex. Sigh.... this is difficult! Big sigh!

• If you're not attracted to your husband because you are bored, well, get a life! Maybe you're bored with yourself not bored with him. The only person you can change is you. #stopbeingboring #makeyourbedexcitingforyou 

Now if you make your dilemma known to your husband but he does not care because he is ratchet and has a side piece, a woman's pursuit for equality only mandates you have the ability to be ratchet and get a side piece too! I'm just saying!!!!

Sigh...

Here is one thing I believe to be true. Every woman deserves to have hot passionate body sweating sex with a man who makes her weak in the knees with just the sight of him!

Don't accept a dead sex life. Candi has implored all of us to get in touch with our vaginas. If your vagina could talk she'd say, "Hurry up and solve this problem. I want to cum!"

Your husband sounds like a great guy. You sound like a great gal. It is amazing how two great people have the potential to traverse the ups and downs of marriage.

I hope my words have helped. Before you do anything, pray, quiet your soul and listen for direction. You will discover what to do. I believe you will!

Once again, thank you for the email. 

Until I offer my humble opinion again,

Tiffany