MARRIAGE: Defending Against Divorce

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A few posts ago, I revealed that I divorced my first husband in 2008 after he said he no longer wanted to be married.

Now, instinctively I know many of you assumed that I was not to blame, clearly this man was at fault.

He was... but he was only 50% to blame. The other 50% was all Tiffany. 

Here is the first of a few ways how I contributed to my divorce.

Bait and Switch! 
I met my first husband through a friend in a nightclub. He was the deejay in      that nightclub. While dating I was at this club every weekend religiously. I partied with him until the club closed. Then we went to Denny's for cheese grits and eggs. Every Friday and Saturday night for months. Many nights we were getting home at 4am in the morning. I had myself a ball! My friends were having a ball getting in the club with me for free!

You see in high school I wasn't old enough to go partying. In college I was the biggest nerd! So at the age of twenty-three I broke out!

What happened?

Well, I got married and did what I thought married women are supposed to do...I went to church! At least two times a week. Don't let there be a conference. I was in my pew. At this time my first husband wasn't a deejay in a club anymore but he was a Program Director at a radio station. That meant he was still involved in the nightlife world. 

We all know nightlife and church don't mix! He was not at church with me and I surely was not in the clubs with him.

I remember one time he invited me to an after party. Why did I go in one of my church dresses? No you didn't? Yes I did!!!!!!! Now you know when I met this man I was half-naked right?? What was I thinking going to a club dressed like an usher? 

And so we drifted apart. Way apart.

While he was drinking Tequila I was praying. 

I was no longer the woman he thought I was and I was praying for him to be a different man!

Divorce Defender Number One

Marry like you date!
When I decided to marry again I choose to do just that. What do I do now? Well ask anyone who knows Eric and I. When we are out we behave like we did back in 2004! We knew how to enjoy one another back then and we know how to party together now. 

With my second husband before we were married! 

After marriage with one child...I think!

As for church. Rarely do I attend without Eric. If we can party together, we can worship together.

Ladies, this is my advice to protect your marriage. Whatever you did while you were dating, be prepared to do even though you are married. If you met the man working out in the gym, then you can't stop going to the gym and expect him too as well. If you met the man in church on Sunday night, then you can't expect the man to go to Arawak Cay to watch the game instead of attending church. If you were taking care of his kids before marriage then don't complain about those same kids after!

This is why it is so important to BE AUTHENTIC while you are dating!

Men are simple. Be who you are whenever you attracted them. THEN DON'T SWITCH UP!

The first man I married proposed to me because I supported him by being in the club, having fun with him. He gave me the ring because I had sex appeal. He wanted me to be his wife because I was secure and supportive of his career.

I failed.

I stopped having fun.
I was not sexy.
I wasn't very supportive.

In 2002, I had plenty of time to reflect on my marriage. I was 50% to blame.

Someone reading this now is baffled of this confession. But if you are divorced or in the process of divorcing, in your quiet moments consider how you may have contributed to where you are in life. As women we can be egotistical by believing we are perfect and men are all to blame. Think! If you are so perfect why didn't you pick a perfect man!

Just consider...

Well I have good news. The good news is that I am remarried.
I am defending against divorce again.

No more bait and switch. 
I am still baiting Eric every chance I get.
I won't let go of this marriage without a fight!

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Stay tuned for my other Defenders Against Divorce!
Until I blog again,


Kesh said...

So interesting and so true!! I love reading the posts on this blog because they are ALL so real, doesn't matter if I agree or not. Keep writing ladies, I may not come here to read the blogs everyday, but when I do, I cath up on everything that I missed :-)

MWMs said...

Keshala! Hello Darling...Thank you so much for your support. We appreciate it so much! How are you doing with baby # 2 on the way or is he/she here already! That's how long it's been since we've spoken! Mannnn! We must catch up :) Love ya girlie!

Kesh said...

Obviously, baby #1 is up and I'm catching up on my MWMs reading at 1:30 a.m.!! Baby number 2 is due July 25 and Dylan is getting a baby brother (13 months and 1 day apart....yikes!!). Can you say nervous and excited balled into one big bundle??!!

I stopped by the office about two weeks ago (Ian's b-day), but you weren't there :-(

Having a lil something for Dylan's big # 1...will deliver an invite for the kiddies.

Love ya too!

MWMs said...

I shall pray for you Kesh! 13 months apart and another boy! Trouble on your hands! LOL. I'm nervous and excited for you! It will certainly be a journey for you, but it will be an interesting and wonderful one. Aw shucks, sorry, I missed you at the office. Look forward to the PART-TAY!

Albert Gates said...

Couples get into divorce because they both contributed for that to happen. It is not just one’s fault. Yes, one might feel that he/she's the one that was disposed of and got hurt the most, but come to think of it, both parties wouldn’t be in that position if they did not contribute something to make it happen, right? Whoever's the most aggravated one, it is not only one person's fault. At some point, he/she also did something that gets him/her into that situation. Anyway, I’m glad you learned something from your previous divorce experience. Albert Gates @ Burton Law Firm