MARRIAGE: When Your Husband Does Not Love You?

On Thursday night I watched 'Scandal', the television show on ABC. The episode was partly about the President of the United States choosing his mistress instead of his wife. He chose her because he loved her. He loves his mistress. He does not love his wife.

Are you in this predicament?

Does your husband love another woman? If given a choice, will your husband choose you?

Some of you may read this blog and think that my storybook marriage with Eric is a facade. You may think that it is not realistic, that Eric is not truly my best friend. But he is!

Many but not all of you know that this is not my first marriage. Many of you do not know what I experienced before marrying my best friend.


My present husband Eric and I early on in our dating stage


And so, here is a bit of information.

In 1997, against my mother's approval I married a man seven years older than me after living with him for a year. Why I moved to Milwaukee to be with him, why I got married and the type of marriage I had is besides the point. In January 2001, this man, my husband at the time told me he thought we should separate. He decided he did not want to choose me. 




There are many details I can recount, but the bottom line is he did not choose me. I sat on a bed and listened as he told me that he was choosing something else besides me. I was not the first wife to be dumped and I shall not be the last. But I can confess to all of you that I know what it feels like to be unwanted.


Unwanted.
Cast aside.
Undesired.

He did not pick me.

On Thursday, the President of the United States on this television show did not pick his wife. As the character Mellie sat alone, I recalled the loneliness. My situation was completely different from hers but what we did share was the desire for a man to pick us.

Pick me!

These two words are so meaningful to me. Pick me! These two simple words uncover a designer line of baggage I carry from my father who as far as I am concerned has failed to 'pick me'. As fate would have it, I chose a man that did not 'pick me'. Mellie married a man who did not 'pick her'.

Have you chosen a man that did not 'pick you'?

What do you do?
Can you change his mind?
What if you can't? What do you do next?

Well, to answer those questions what did I do? I cried. I lost weight. I laid in bed. I took sleeping pills to go to sleep. I cried a lot more. And then one day I cried five minutes less than the day before. Readers, I can't really tell you what to do except to feel and embrace the pain. 

Did I change this man's mind? 
No! Can you change your husband's mind? I am not in a position to say no you can't or yes you can. But I can tell you what I believe.

I believe that the only person you can change is you! Remember this is only my personal belief. 

What did I do next?
One day I accepted this man doesn't want me. I was driving and a song by Bonnie Rait came on the radio. I Can't Make You Love Me. Check out this link if you don't know the song. Some of the powerful lyrics are below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfwylq9ZDyw

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't 
You can't make your heart feel something it won't 
Here in the dark, in these final hours 
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power 
But you won't, no you won't 
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't 

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see 
The love you don't feel when you're holding me 
Morning will come and I'll do what's right 
Just give me till then to give up this fight 
And I will give up this fight 


And so it hit me that this man does not want to be with me. Why do I want to be with a man who does want to be with me. That was the beginning of the end of my first marriage. 

I did not want a divorce. Not because I loved the man, but because I felt like I had failed. No one gets married and thinks their relationship will end in a divorce. 

It's failure!

Last night on Scandal, Mellie did not want to admit that her marriage was a failure. 

In February of 2001, my first husband took the keys to our apartment and told me to get out. I was in Memphis Tennessee. I knew no one except my first husband's boss. I drove around for hours trying to find their house. The next day, he purchased an airline ticket for me to travel to my brother in Savannah.  

In 2003, I met Eric. Yes I skipped a lot of the details but the most important detail is that I met Eric. So when you read this blog and I mention Eric, when I talk about my marriage, my second chance at marriage, please know that I too was an unwanted woman.

I sat just like Mellie did Thursday night on Scandal hoping her husband would pick her.

If you are hoping that your husband will pick you, I wish you all the best. I have no guarantees to offer. I have no quick fixes, no recommendations, suggestions or links to upload for you except for this prayer, the serenity prayer.


courtesy of my-beautiful-words.blogspot.com



I can only say that one time ago I was in your shoes, I am not there any longer.

Please, please, please remember I am by no means telling anyone what to do. I am writing this blog only to share. I want to share a snippet of my story, to let you know that I once was hurt but that hurt was followed by some serious healing. It is that choice to heal which makes my present day smiles brighter.


July 19, 2008
Getting married to Eric

Until I blog again,
Tiffany


7 comments:

Sandena Neely said...

He who feels it knows it Tiff. I admire your strength, your courage, your bravery but most of all your passion to continue to love. Great blog!

Terrell Stewart said...

Oh Tiffany, I cried my way through this post because I could not imagine how I would cope if this happened to me.Being married to a man who is first and foremost your friend is the most important ingredient in a marriage. I've experienced what I perceived was love before I met my husband, but I learned through our relationship that I was way off base in the past about what a true and honest husband was made up of, and I am so happy that I waited. Many women would never tell this story, but more women need to share their journey. God has blessed me after a few dissapointments,and surely he has blessed you, and he has paid you back ten fold for your heart ache.

MWMs said...

Hi Sandena,
Thank you for your comment.

I so agree with you. He who feels it knows it. Thankfully I know the pain of my past marriage. That past pain helps me rejoice in my marriage today.

Tiffany

MWMs said...

Hi Terrell,

Thank you for your comment. Yes I feel truly blessed.

I wrote this blog because my past blogs have been so fluffy and mushy. There is a reason I can write about marriage the way I do today. I know the other side of happiness. I know the sorrow of a separation and the depression of an inevitable divorce. But thank God I can say I checked those off of my To-Do list. Been there, done that and I have the t-shirt to prove it!

Tiffany

Anonymous said...

I was married to my beloved husband and we loved and cherished ourselves for good 2years and every thing was going on smoothly but june 29, 2013 we both had misunderstanding and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and I plead to him because I love him so much but he refused me I was so down I felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back, a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first I was scared but I have to give this man a trial because I love my husband very much and I am not willing to loose him to any woman, so I ordered returning love spell from this great spell caster called Dr Orissa that made me a happy woman again to say it all my husband came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster you are a great man in this world and you mean so much to me you are the best spell caster. you can contact this man via this email if you really need to get your problems solve orissatemple@yahoo.com

MWMs said...

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your comment and your support.

We all have to experience pain in order to develop our character. We both felt the pain of a man telling us they no longer wanted to be with us.

One day I asked myself, "If this man does not want me, why do I want him? Why do I want someone who does not want me?" I eventually moved on.

It seems as if you have had another reaction. In your comment you said your husband is back home. If I understand correctly, he has returned because of a 'returning love spell? You have cast a spell to make him return?

To each his own, but if I may ask... would you want someone to do this to you? Supposed your husband casts a spell to make you go away? How would you feel?

I must confess I believe in the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. Matthew 7:12.

Does your husband know that you have placed a spell on him? If not, what do you think he would do if he found out?

I know that you are happy your husband is at home but in your quiet moments, try to consider whether a marriage being held together by trickery is in fact a happy marriage.

I believe you deserve an honest relationship. Your husband deserves one too whether that be with or without you.

Tiffany

Tammie Brooks-Evans said...

I have known you through the painl. Eric is the best thing that ever happened to you and we (Will and I) are so happy to see the joy the Eric has brought to your life. We love you and Eric. The babies are the best and they reflect the best part of the both of you. Love you Soror. May you continue to be blessed in love.

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